I often feel like a fruad. That my life has been so much easier than some other peoples', including people on DT. Yet I feel so depressed. As stupid as this is going to sound, I wish i had some major trauma that would help people understand how i feel. If someone says they have been abused, assulted, accident, bad childhood or the other many many bad things that happen to people, people understand, or at least understand MORE why someone would be depressed, or have depression. I've not really had any major trauma in my life. YES i've had things that are bad. But bad to ME. I guess to alot of my stuff, to someone else would seem so stupid. like "You're sad about THAT?, i wish I had it that easy". I know you wouldn't say it to my face… but i'm sure you think it.
I need a haircut.
I keep thinking about doing self distructive things.
Sometimes, I feel very lonely. Like right now.
I had a hot donut sundae from Donut King today. It was beautiful. A hot donut on the bottom of the cup, followed by icecream, with maple syrup on top. YUM.
I wish I had someone to talk about these things with, here in person.
Sometimes; i want to write more, write about things that I think about. But I stop myself. I guess judgemet is always in the back of my mind. Even though there are really only 3-4 people who have me on facebook, or I'm friends with and actually know my full name and who I am.
Does ANYONE know who I really am? I don't think so.
I feel very complicated.
I lie to my therapist. Which sounds as stupid as it is.
I feel trapped.
Sometimes I want to grab a policemans gun off thier belt, just to see what would happen. I think about this nearly every time I see the halter. I wouldn't shoot anyone or anything.. or maybe i'd just go off and shoot a tree. I would like to shoot a gun one time, just to know what it's like. Not at a PERSON. Just so you all don't think i'm murderous or something. Just a curiosity thing.
I want to play a sport, maybe cricket. But i'm too fat.
I want to skydive one day.. again too fat.
Respect is the ultimate currency.
I brought a new CD. Nicki Minaje. I constantly change the type of music i'm into. RIght now it's rap.
I think about throwing myself out my bedroom window often.
I wonder what happens when you swallow nails.
I’ve thought about getting myself lost in the forrest. Just to see what happens.
I’ve thought about swimming in dangerous currants, just to test myself.
I keep a knife in my draw.
I’ve thought about swimming in the river, just to see if a boat would hit me.
I’m terrible at math.
When I think of something, I have to find out about it straight away. Google is my best friend.
I can be impatient.. but with myself more than anything.
My elbows crackle.
I would like to erase my life and start over.
I want to visit the Himalayas one day. Not to actually climb a mountain, but just drive on the roads high up in the mountians.
I bite my nails. A habbit I’ve had since I was very small.
I often feel numb.
I hide my emotions to everyone around me.
I find it hard to tell people how I feel.
I don't cry. Or I should say I hardly ever cry.