Home from work.. I wont lie though before i went i had a very lazy morning, lay in bed with my man for hours, then finally took the dogs out before dashing off to work for a short shift. Today has been a good day 🙂 this morning I got a phonecall from the place I went for the job interview last week, saying i wasnt succesful but i did really well and they liked me, which strangely lifted my mood. I was pretty sure i wasn't going to get it, but the good feedback was a confident boost.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about something in particular the last few days, its not something i have ever put into words, but i think it is time to address any anger i am still holding inside.

My father is an alcoholic. He is in denial. My mum finally kicked him out about 2 years ago now. It started as far back as i can remember, got particularly bad when my mum got breast cancer about 7/8 years ago. He was very very rarely physically abusive (i can only remember one incident) but my mum put up with years of verbal abuse, we all did. I have two brothers, after a few years of it being really bad they distanced themselves from it all and it was just me and my mum against him most nights.

He spent his life working extremely hard towards providing for his family, and I am so thankful for that. We never struggled for money, but he seemed to think that because he did all of this for his kids, that the 3 of us owed him something. Almost as though resented it. And because he had a professional and succesful career, that drinking a whole bottle of whiskey in the evenings was ok, because he still got up each morning and went to work.

He would blame us for everything that went wrong in his life. He would say the most disgusting things I have ever heard come out of somebodys mouth to my mum.

On a couple of occasions he got so persistant and drunk that we called the police, and he spent the night in jail.

Whenever we would walk away from him, he would come and find us. I spent many days in school and college in a daze from lack of sleep.

It broke my heart to see my dad like this. I eventually grew to hate him. My mum was too scared to leave him, not because of what he might do, but purely for financial reasons, she had been a stay at home mum for 20 years, I'm glad she finally saw the light. He also had affairs and i can't imagine the pain she has been through.

When i had friends round, or my brothers did, we were all sociable as a family, sat chatting and my dad would be drinking, and being stupid, and it made me sick that they all found it funny, all having no idea what we would have to put up once the front door shut behind them.

it affected my social life alot. I didn't want to leave my mum alone, she is strong but he can be horrible. My dogs were terrified of him, and he gave them a knock a couple of times.

Writing it all down it seems like we were stupid to put up with it for so many years, but when you are in that situation its not that simple.

My dad now lives a few hours away with his new girlfriend, who is lovely and i met on a trip there, and i text my day occasionally.. if i don't he gets abusive with my mum.. just a horrible email can hurt alot. When i last saw him he looked well, and I thought he was off the drink. Wrong. He's putting this poor woman through the same thing.

I hate to paint such a horrible picture of him, because when he was sober, he was lovely. But isnt that always the way.

I've been thinking of writing to him and putting my pain and anger into words so that he fully understands what he has done, and is still doing. It's something i want in the past.

Thanks for reading, just felt the need to write it down.

xo