hi? I don’t really know how to start this. my name is Jadyn, I am 13 years old, I am bisexual and have anxiety. most people don’t realize that I am a miserable, low self-esteemed anxious girl with no social skills. my life is a wreck. my mom thinks I’m perfect, but I’m really not. I never see my dad, or his side of the family anymore, even I love them more than I can ever love my mom. I have a good reason for that though, I will explain later. I love youtube, it’s the only thing that keeps me going, knowing someone out there believes in me. we may not have ever met, but I like to believe I will someday. I guess next I will tell you about major points in my life.

 

so I guess I should explain my family tree then. it is very complicated, sometimes even I get confused. so there is my mom, Candy. she was a drug dealer, biggest one in the town she was in, along with my brother’s dad, Justin, but I call him Buster (since my mom always called him that). then there is my dad and his new girlfriend. he had a few kids (2) with another girl, and she likes me. she is super nice and cool. but when my dad went to rehab to get help for his alcoholism, the reason I can’t live with him, she left him for another guy. she kicked him out of his house and we had to live with my grandparents (who live 10 minutes walk away) for a few months. I lived with him for most of grade seven, and when I was in kindergarten. but he is much better now. he does still drink, but he doesn’t get hammered. my mom is married to a guy named Andrew now.

I liked Andrew at first. he lived in a big house in the city, he was nice, he loved us. but after a while, he started to drink. he would abuse my mom in front of my brother and sister, who were only 3 and 5 at the time. he would yell at us, spit on us, and even tried to hit me once. one time, my mom ran into me and my sister’s room and grabbed us and put us on her lap, he came in and almost punched me in the head. I had to push my sister out of the way to keep her safe. he jumped on her and pulled her hair, and I had to grab my sister and brother (who is overweight, and has weight more than me since he was 5) and run them into the basement to hide. this went on for about a year until she sent us away, the kids went with their dad and I went with my grandfather. after a year, maybe a bit more, my mom was happy, saying he didn’t hurt her anymore. I was in luck because I wanted to move, so I moved back in with her. he still hurt her, but I stayed to help her. we moved to the middle of nowhere, and it stopped for a while. one day he got super drunk and wanted to take my mom hunting, but she promised me we would watch a movie. he got mad. h kneeled next to me and started spitting at me, calling me names, and pulled my hair. he then pushed the tv over and my cousin went to put it back up, but Andrew kicked it even harder and almost broke his back. he left and I ran to my room. my mom told me to call 9-1-1 if he came back, which he did. I tried to call and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. it wouldn’t dial and I was scared. I could hear them screaming. I pretended to sleep as he came in my room. he pissed on me before leaving. I didn’t move an inch that night. the next morning I woke and my mother was on the ground, trying to get the table off her, my cousin was gone and so was Andrew. I told her I had to go to school today, and she said fine. I came back and I had 10 minutes to pack what I could. I packed some clothes and a stuffed animal. I had to leave behind my giant Pikachu and rabbit, my makeup, my birthday presents, my bed sheets, everything. I went to the train station where I took the train to my dad’s house, where I lived for a year.

 

but that is not the end. after I went to visit my mom, we ended up taking a train to Saskatchewan. I ended up living there with her, my brother, my sister, their dad, and my uncle. their dad was a meth addict and got my mom hooked. she stayed in her room all day and was constantly depressed. the dad, who I will only refer to as “meth head”, wanted to keep my mom. he didn’t want her to leave again. when she tried to leave, he would grab her and force her into her room. one time, she ran into our room, closed the door, and asked us to sit against it. I am in grade 8 now, which I just graduated, and my brother is 8, and my sister is almost 6. he was yelling at her and then he left. she got out and then they pretended nothing happened until she tried to leave, he grabbed her and tried to bring her to the basement, and she was yelling for help and the neighbors called the cops. a few days later we came home from school, my sister was sick and another uncle, who I will refer to as “d-bone” was visiting. he was sleeping on the couch beside my sister, but he wasn’t snoring like usual. he looked really weird. I said to my mom and told her he looked dead because he skin was turning green, he eyelids were slightly open and he peed himself. my mom was like no, then we argued and she was like oh shit he’s dead now and then chaos ensued. I returned that night because I had school, but the kids stayed at a friends house. I few days after, we moved back to Ontario and live in my aunt’s basement. I got to school for a week there and then, on Friday, guess who shows up. Andrew. I screamed and kicked and cried because my mom wanted me to go into a room with him to talk. she almost hit me, so I went in. he told me how he was a man of God and shit like that now. I believed him. we moved in with him and the Monday that came I ended up in school, where I was bullied. November, my uncle died. the one that lived with us in Saskatoon. my mom was a wreck after but calmed down soon. Andrew went to jail for almost killing someone, and we had a dog, who I hate because he bit someone, doesn’t listen to jack-shit and is just a nuisance. but right before Andrew went to jail, he got mad at my mom and smashed her head into a wall. we then fled to my aunt’s house and came back the next day. he was drunk after work and was taking each kid into the car to talk to them. I was getting groceries when he asked where we were last night. I told him I had to get these inside and he wanted an answer. I went inside and told my mom and he got mad at me. later on, he called my garbage and said I was useless and that I was nothing to him and my mom just stood there. I honestly was just done with this shit. I wanted to leave but she wouldn’t let me.  after he went to jail and I was all good.

 

but then one day we decide to go see my granny. she was my brother’s dad’s mom, but she loved me. while we were in the car, my mom was telling me stories about my buster, and then she seemed to tear up. I asked her what was going on and she said: “I can’t tell you, you’re not ready.” I kept asking her and then she dropped a bomb on me. the man who I thought was my dad, wasn’t. buster was my real dad. it was just illegal for anyone to be near him, and child services would have taken me away so my mom and Buster went up to my “dad” and asked him to be my dad. my “dad” was worried buster might take me away, but he just said “I promise I won’t. she will be my star that I watch from a far.” and basically a few hours later I had to go see my “dad”, look him straight in the eye and say “I love you, Daddy.” I couldn’t bare seeing him cry if I told him. he came to my graduation, and I cried when he left. he is still my dad, and buster is still just buster. a few days before, a guy in my class was being a dick as usual, and said “the only guy you will ever get is your dad!” and I just, sat there in shock. I was also on my period mind you my mood swings are just, wow. I started to cry since I never saw my dad. he was laughing while saying ‘why is she crying’ and ‘what did I do’, I then stood up and said, I shit you not in the middle of lunch in my class, “my dad is the only man I will ever get? Jalen I don’t even get to see my fucking dad! why would you say that you asshole!” and then I turned around the principle was right behind me. I ran out of the room and into the washroom. after that, the principal asked me into the computer lab and asked how he could stop it, what happened, the usual shit. I told him to forget about it, he couldn’t stop it, it was nothing. then I left. after recess my teacher called me out and Jalen just happened to be there. I scoffed as he asked what happened. I told him to forget about it, he and his friends already think I’m a snitch, it’s over, it doesn’t matter. then he asked Jalen what he said and I shit you not, Jalen said, “after discovering some new information, I do not think it would be wise to say.” and I am not even kidding I wanted to punch his face in. I literally had to be asked to go to class because my eye was twitching, my fist was clenched and I looked ready to kill. after that, he just talked to Jalen and I was like fuck this shit can’t wait to not see him or his dick squad again next year.

 

so now I guess I should talk about why I am here. well, I do have anxiety, thank you Andrew and all the bullies at my school, I am bisexual, still in the closet with my family. but at this point, I think I might even be gay, but I’m still kinda confused. I do have a girlfriend, which will be hard to hide. I am bullied a lot, for many reasons. as you may have seen, my home life isn’t the best. those are only the surface, my friends. I will update sometimes, telling you stories about my past. hopefully, i won’t be judged too hard. my mom thinks I’m perfect. I am her favorite. she thinks that there is nothing wrong with me, except I might be a bit crazy. she thinks I have lots of friends, good in school, not scared of anything, straight. just perfect. the problem is my mom is super homophobic, transphobic, and basically anything-phobic. she thinks my friends don’t know anything about her, Andrew, buster. she thinks she is helping me, making me a better person. truth is, she is killing me. the life she gave destroyed me. I used to cut myself, and I tried to kill myself when I was 10. that is how bad my fuckin life is. I can hear voices in my head, telling me to things. when I try to be myself, I hear my mom’s voice telling me how to act. she thinks that I am not bullied. she thinks I’m lying when I say that a boy actually tried to kill me. she thinks I’m lying when I say my brother is the only one with no friends, social issues and basically a normal human being. my mom used me as a worry doll, coming to me for help, telling me to hide the drugs, telling me to count the money, telling me to take care of the kids, telling me to house a complete stranger, who is carrying drugs, at my grand fathers house, at 1 in the morning. it’s hard to just try and be normal around her. she thinks that I will understand the world better if she keeps it real. she keeps pushing me. I feel like I have a bag, full of bricks. I can take one out every so often, but when I do, two more come back. sometimes random bricks just fall into the bag, and I’m in the ocean, the rock weighing me down. the more she adds, the more I sink, the more I drown. when I lived with my dad, I didn’t even have a bag. I had a boat. I wasn’t even touching the water. she said I was so much more happy and calm when I visited her for Christmas when I lived with him. but then she took me back. she pushed out of the boat and put 100 bricks on me. ht e bag was just getting heavier, and more people were adding bricks. I am almost at the bottom of the ocean, about to die from drowning. therapy doesn’t work anymore, I tried so many things. I can’t let my mom know I’m not perfect, I can’t let her know I’m dying inside. if I do, I won’t be her daughter. I won’t be her queen. I will be nothing but the garbage everyone says I am. I am scared, so I came here, to find help among the people who understand. and yes, I am 13 years old, I have lived through house raids, drug deals, shoot-outs, runaways, abuse and so much more. you may say I’m lying, belief what you want. but I know that it is true, I know that someone out there will understand, and help me. sorry if this is a bit long, but thank you for reading this, that small bit of you who did. also the piture I am using for this is Random, so don’t try and find any meaning behind it. I mean he is my favorite Youtuber, and this is Antisepticeye (demon counterpart) and he is literally insane so like, I guess it’s kind of relevant.

1 Comment
  1. anxiousant80 3 years ago

    i’m sorry to hear your story. it’s good that you came here. this website is a good release for our depression. i tried to read everything and you’ve got lots to deal with and being a preteen and girl is hard enough! drugs and alcohol are things in my life i’d rather be without imo. i’m sorry you feel you can’t rely on your mom for support too. you seem very mature for your age, if that helps. do you like animals? i love animals and animals make me feel better.

    i hope you feel better and i’ll say a small prayer for you, if you like.

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