I'm not sure where to begin with this. I suppose I'll start by saying this won't be edited. Or, the only edits made will be for accuracy. I'll likely remember things as I write and end up going back to add or change things for the sake of honesty.
I met him August 12, 2014. Even before I'd talked to him, I knew he wasn't someone I wanted to get involved with. I answered one of his questions he'd posted in another social media site. I ignored the bad feeling, because it was only a question, right? It's not like anything would come of it, and I could stop talking to him any time. Still, after he'd responded to my answer, I paused, sensing I'd be making a mistake if I replied. I just had this really bad feeling… I couldn't explain it. There must have been something about how he wrote that made me uneasy, something I didn't have the words to describe. Maybe it was simple as me knowing in the back of my mind that he was an ass. Whatever it was, I brushed it off as paranoia or my social anxiety making a big deal out of nothing… and besides, I wanted to take a chance. I wanted to put myself out there just a little more and I had to start somewhere. I was tired of having no to talk to, no one I felt connected with.
His response seemed a little rude, but I wasn't there right in front of him, I couldn't hear his voice and I so I didn't know the tone he was using. Regardless of whether the response was intentionally rude or not, I was curious about him and I felt my best bet was to reply simply, and with total honesty. And I suppose that's where it all began. The spark I'd felt right away wasn't imagined.
He had this straight-forward confidence that sometimes bordered on arrogance which hinted at something else beneath… something I wanted to unearth. I wanted to know him more. I wanted to know why he felt the need to be so rigid in his opinions. He seemed so unhappy… and I really felt that there was something good in him. He had so much potential to be brilliant, and a truly amazing person.. Honestly, I think he still does. I guess I had preconceived notions of what I'd see beneath his mask just as he did with me. Underneath, I think we were both just insecure. I think I knew that all along, but I wanted to know the nature of that insecurity. The more I got to know him, the more I felt that he just needed someone to really care about him. Was I projecting my own insecurities on him, and using what I thought would be the comfort I so wanted? I was hoping I could bring out the best in him. I was hoping I'd change him. It all seems to fucked up now.
Sometimes I blame him and most of the time I blame myself and initially when I sat down to write this I was filled with the unfelt anger and hurt from that time and I wanted to express it in writing in the hopes of releasing it altogether. I guess the end goal is still the same, it's just how I plan on getting there that's changed. At first I was probably just going to end up essentially listing all the ways he'd made me feel like shit. He was a jerk to me, but I don't want to paint myself as a victim and him as an abuser. It was just a crappy relationship. One that blurred the lines of friendship. And it took both of us to make whatever it was we had go to shit.
He didn't respect me and he said things that really hurt me and I did have some of the worst panic attacks I've ever had when I was involved with him… but I think the reason I'm writing this now so long after we've stopped talking is that I never let myself feel hurt or upset by the things he did or said. I always made excuses for him and painted him in a brighter light. He was the first (and last) person I'd been able to really talk to in years. That ability faded over the course of our relationship, but I clung to it for dear life. I'd missed talking to people so much, I was willing to ignore his shittier qualities. I think it was the resentment we ended up feeling for each other that really did us in.
I wish I hadn't second-guessed myself all the time and just listened to myself.
I'm surprised at how what I wrote turned out, and I'll admit I'm not happy with it because it's not the most eloquent thing I've ever written, but all and all I suppose I'm glad that I finally got around to actually writing it. Sometimes I just need to write things out, regardless of how inarticulate they sound.
While writing this, a couple (and a half) things have come into clearer focus. One, I suck at feeling things. I only "feel" in writing. In person or "real life" I maintain neutrality remarkably well and put on the appropriate emotions and have the appropriate (or at time simply least abrasive) responses. One and a half, I'm totally over him. My fears about me not being over him after all this time were thankfully baseless. It was those unfelt feels from before that had me questioning how "over" him I really was. Two, I really need to stop making excuses for people. I hardly even notice that I do it, but it's a habit that screws over both me and the people I'm making the excuse for. I'm more than a little afraid of being upset with people or even just having negative feelings towards them (for reasons I won’t get into since it could very well be the equivalent of adding a freaking essay to the end of this thing) but I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it. 😐
*just FYI, the only edits made were to spelling mistakes and missed words. Kind of amazing considering how much time I normally spend on editing when I'm posting something feelsy for all of the internet to see.