God Im fucking stupid. What the hell did I think would come of this? Sure I missed the kids, but why am I allowing myself to get close to her again. She doesn’t want me and has found someone better, so wtf am I doing helping her by playing doctor phil. Yeah she wants to be my friend because I’m supposedly intelligent—you sure as hell wouldn’t know that from the stupid places I’ve been putting myself—and can give her some insight into her life. But wtf I matter!! Wtf can’t I get that through my head. I’m fucking worthless.
I cried for the first time in years tonight… to my cat no less, like a fucking lonely ass loser. Am I that lonely, am I that desperate that I need to be around this chick? Anyone with half a brain would tell me to stay away from this girl, she’s clearly trouble. And believe me, they have. But god, I miss her kids. What a mistake this whole thing was, jesus Christ.
I hung out these past couple days because of her kids but I found out I wasn’t needed anymore… she has some new guy who her kids fucking adore. Ouch. They still love me, and frequenty tell me but and it still breaks my heart… I wish I could be there for them all the time… but I can’t. I wish I could have my own family. I told her I was going to move back home after the fall semester, so the cat’s out of the bag now. I’m going to have to say goodbye to them relatively soon and it’ll be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do–hands down.