My moods come and go faster than the wind lately. And NO I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG.
If I'm in my room crying and you come in and ask me "WHAT'S WRONG?" And I don't answer you, just let me CRY. Let me GET IT OUT. Because if I start trying to tell you, I'm going to ramble and ramble and ramble and TRUST ME, none of it is going to make a BIT of sense. Because my thoughts are running 24/7 in my head and, even if I try to write them all down and make sense of them, the ONLY ONES that make any sense to me are the ones that say, "Just cut yourself, Holly, get it overwith, because that will at least get rid of the emotional pain… Even if it's just for a little while, you'll feel cleansed of all that bullshit that is going on in your head."
Yeah, but then I have to deal with the disappointment of my family and especially my husband, who is working his ASS off out of town to make our family work.
Now I have a toothache that I don't have the money to take care of even if I wanted to. All I really want to do is get drunk and numb and forget all this… but I don't even have the money to go to the dentist to figure out what is wrong with my tooth that just started hurting me at dinnertime today.
And now I got to go to the psych doctor with my sister-in-law and her mother tomorrow when REALLY *I'M* the one who needs to be seeing him, but I'm just lost. I don't WANT any more medication. I don't WANT to be changed. Because it doesn't do shit. It's better for like 2-3 weeks and then BOOM I'm right back to where I was before.
It's a neverending battle. What do I do? I'm sooooo lost. I'm at this Catch 22 and I feel like if I just disappeared, it would be much easier on everyone around me. But whatever. I know I've said that a million times, but whatever.