There's other ways to do it, I gotta go. I have to stop being a wuss and just exit this life. I was not meant to be here and I am hating every single minute.

I'm hard pressed to remember the last time I felt trulyhappy without being drunk or buying something or too much caffeine. Probably when i was with Kyle, over 3 yrs ago now.

I talked to J last night and it helped for a few minutes but that was all. I am glad that there are a very few ppl who care about me, it's better than nothing, but it's not enough. I need him. I thought Kyle was "HIM" but he is not.

This is one of those days where I can feel my body breaking down physically. I can't move, I feel sick and I can't eat. Depression is very taxing on your body. I can barely keep up moving around let alone worrying about looking good. When I try to look good no one notices anyway, I'm too old, looks fade and they fade even worse when you are stressed, anxious and depressed.

I just want the fake happiness back. The day to day survival. Lots of coffee, laughing at cute/funny things, buying stuff. But I'm out of money, coffee doesn't work and as this horrible year draws to an end, nothing can make me smile anymore or comfort me. What can I do? I am not able to help myself and there aren't a lot of options.

I would kill myself if I had the right items but I don't. I am not some red neck with a gun out in the shed. I am too small to work one anyway, probably too weak to pull the trigger.

I just keep thinking I gotta get out before they strap me down in this hell.

My mood isn't going back up. It usually does just enough to keep me going. This time there's just too much pain and it's getting worse.


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