Well I think at least I have made this small breakthrough in admitting, finally, that I am "depressed", I’ve shied away from the word for a long time and wanted to be something else, but I keep returning to this feeling so much that I don’t feel I can deny it anymore. What’s surprising is how physical the feeling can be, it feels like a pressure in the head, just squeezing slowly inwards. Or sometimes like a little brown lozenge fizzing away gently, disseminating misery. At times like this I feel trapped, the sky is such a low grey canopy and it holds us all in. I feel sealed off from systems, fatalistic, a raw nerve trapped between all these reams of meaning and utter pointlessness, or the never knowing of anything. Sometimes I do manage to break out of it through a sort of spiritual psychology, to think that there is a beyond of beyond, a greater communal cosmic unconsciousness but I keep finding this way of thinking hard to grip onto for any length of time lately. I’m considering going to a local self help group but I don’t know how it would be or what I should do. I also keep craving change so I don’t assume I’ll be where I am for very long but I seem to always stay rooted to the same place and things lately, caught in stasis. I know really change has to come from depth, and I have to stop scratching away at surfaces but I get impatient and just hate this feeling. Sometimes i think I’d do anything to feel better though it hasn’t got to the stage of getting diagnosed and medicated. I don’t want to be numbed, I want to turn the feeling around. I just wish I knew how.

2 Comments
  1. xotashxo17 12 years ago

    i know what u mean laura. i always stray away from saying depressed too. i dont tell anyone i am, and just admit sometimes that im sad. i keep it all apart from my life and only i really know how upset i really am. for the longest time i woudlnt admit it to myself at al, but now im starting to. just wanted to tell you that your not alone in that feeling.

    ~tasha

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  2. LauraJane 12 years ago

    Thanks for your comment Tasha… I think the problem with labelling ourselves with "depression" is that it ends up implying a permanent, eternal state, and it”s almost like we tell ourselves what we are and will be… forever. But I think I”m trying to engage with the word differently now… it can be a feeling we move in an out of, in terms of surface and depth, sometimes there is something to gain from it but at other times it”s important to try to not dwell on things and shift the focus. That”s something I really need to work on. I think in society we have this obsession with consistency, so we feel our characteristics define our essential beings, but really we”re only ever overlapping versions of ourselves all the time, experiencing a great range of symbols and ideas. The most important thing for me is to try to go beyond thought and into a deeper feeling… a lot of my depressed states come from buckling under perceived social pressures and surfaces. That”s what I”m determined to struggle out of.

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