Well I think at least I have made this small breakthrough in admitting, finally, that I am "depressed", I’ve shied away from the word for a long time and wanted to be something else, but I keep returning to this feeling so much that I don’t feel I can deny it anymore. What’s surprising is how physical the feeling can be, it feels like a pressure in the head, just squeezing slowly inwards. Or sometimes like a little brown lozenge fizzing away gently, disseminating misery. At times like this I feel trapped, the sky is such a low grey canopy and it holds us all in. I feel sealed off from systems, fatalistic, a raw nerve trapped between all these reams of meaning and utter pointlessness, or the never knowing of anything. Sometimes I do manage to break out of it through a sort of spiritual psychology, to think that there is a beyond of beyond, a greater communal cosmic unconsciousness but I keep finding this way of thinking hard to grip onto for any length of time lately. I’m considering going to a local self help group but I don’t know how it would be or what I should do. I also keep craving change so I don’t assume I’ll be where I am for very long but I seem to always stay rooted to the same place and things lately, caught in stasis. I know really change has to come from depth, and I have to stop scratching away at surfaces but I get impatient and just hate this feeling. Sometimes i think I’d do anything to feel better though it hasn’t got to the stage of getting diagnosed and medicated. I don’t want to be numbed, I want to turn the feeling around. I just wish I knew how.