I got a job a couple months ago. My coworkers have come to depend on me and feel they know me well. I am regularly described as "confident and upbeat", "cheerful" and "confident and outgoing". I am partly to blaim even when the pain i feel is great I never let it show. For example, one day my coworkers were all discussing romances they were havign and being single the reminder of what I want the most hurt. They kept bringing it up inspite if me changing the topic repeatedly and finally I couldn't take it i was on the verge of tears. I walked into my boss' office and declared I was taking a smoke break and walked out….I don't smoke and she told me so when I came in and I was frank. I told her i was bothered by the conversation and needed to step out for a moment. I was then told there is no place for that sort of intense emotion especially over teenage chatter.

This incident is just one example of how me opening up has caused difficulty. When in high school I was asked to write a peom in the style of Poe. I recieved an A on the assignment and my parents were called and told I needed counceling. Thinking back my whole school career was one referal to counceling after another but it did no good.

I always felt the need to be guarded the once or twice I did open up with doctors what I said was blown out of proportion and made into something it wasn't. Now I feel that need at work to the point where I appear to be freakishly happy so they willl never ever know the truth. I'm just so tired of pretending. With depression on the news so much lately and generally not in a good light I don't blame people for having the wrong Ideas but I'm tired of pretending to be happy when I am not.

I feel a lot better after writing this so I was debating not posting it but I think maybe posting it might be my 1st step in learning to open up a bit. Thanks for reading it.