No sleep last night, sleep is so essential to calming and thinking. And strangely enough I felt out of time. It was as if I was lookin at myself and it was hard to stay in the moment, so practicing mindful awareness took some doing. Today was an interesting practice however, in such a small town, there are very few degrees of seperation from people, this means two things. One, whatever your experiences with people, you will run into that person or an associate of theirs, and two, its better to play good foundatoins or interactions with people because these will reflect because of the small pond one is in. This happened today.
Howvever I was able to practice mindful awareness, I actually heard the beast choke, the person I ran into was apart of a painful memory in my past, however I was able to take the reflection of the past and put it in perspective, in enough perspective to acknowledge my actions, the people involved, and what happened, I was able to accept the past and my part in it responsibly, and peacefully. And oddly enough, I felt that I was able to put it a bit further beind me. And it also reminded me that I could not run from my problems.
My whole life, I have wanted to escape, I want to leave this place and have felt stuck here. And in my adult life, I still feel the same way, I mean, there is nothing here that reflects me. Howvever I felt hat my regrets in my life, which there seems to be alot, try to run me out of town, because of the people invovled in those regrets. I count them as bodies in a grave, dead things to me. However today felt less haunted as I was able to look and reflect back at the time it was, but take a certain healing from it that I am now a better person from where I was because I learned alot about myself that was good, thats it, I was able to take the good from it and just pass the rest. So I guess a little less haunted is better.
Plus, in terms of bustin' out of here, it is about strategy, you have to have a plan because just because this is a place where I am from, doesn't mean I have to stay here, even if it takes baby steps. Smallllllll steps. And believe me, I counting every step, but I am not being run out. It was nice, plus I was ready and realized that there is something in my life that is good right now and I will celebrate it with acknowledgement and action, expounding its importance to me, education, its my solace, my way out, but also in a way, my escape.
And then the beast choked. oh well.