I am finally able to sit for a few minutes with a head that is clear except for the sleep that clings to the corners like peanut butter.
As seems to be the case with my daughter, drama and chaos follow her in ways that continually amaze me. I thought that my experiences where so terrible and scary. When I listen to the things she tells me about her experiences with various drugs I realize that I was completely easy to deal with and safe most of the time. I dont remember a time when I could point out that I put my life in danger. The most dangerous person I knew was a guy who dealt weed, and someone who went to jail. My daughter knows people who deal in all kinds of substances. It goes deeper than the domestic violence, it permiates the whole environment with poverty, violence and substance abuse. It is frightening to me.
Since I wrote last, she has been in and out of my home twice. Right now, she is living with me again. Following a harrowing phone call from her saying she needed to be in a hospital, I spent a whole night in the er with her and she filed charges against the last bf for domestic issues. She came back home again. My biggest issue with her is trust. I do not trust that she wont do this dramatic thing again and again. I dont know if the bf is really gone. How could he be if she was doing drugs with him? The reason why she would go back being more than just the relationship. The complicated balance they were playing with drugs, power and control among some of them.
The whole while, all of my support network was screaming " Tough love is the only way". The issue is I am not very good at that. At saying no. My reasons and issues with that are pretty irelavent in the face of what she is doing. So, I am concentrating on being loving but not responsible. Being empathetic but not attached. Being able to stand as her life line and not come from an angry or resentful place. I am working on it. I have not gotten it down yet, my automatic response being to fix it, and be angry about it. So, I am trying.
I hope the new year finds all of you in good health and sound heart. I wish this for you and for myself as well.
Blessings
s
Thanks so much for the responses and support. I have not made up my mind whether to seek a 12 step or not. I am intimately connected to the local behavioral health system. Through my friends, who work on self advocacy and empowerment I am learning there are other ways to respond, feel, be. I am also seeking balance and peace in Buddhism and other practical philosophies that are appealing to me. I recognize that one of the things that is repeated in so many methods for relief is the acknowledgment that I can do or say nothing that has the power to help her stop. I hear that from the mouths of people who know me intimately and from people who know me from what I say here. I am grateful to have found this community online. I try to be patient with myself, and non judgemental, though both are difficult for me since really, all I want is my daughter to be alright…….