I've felt more depressed today,it was really bad. after 10 years of friendship and this would be the first -and everlasting- time that I didn't spend her birthday with her. We always did…always had a sleep over -despite my anxiety- and I…

I'm still not over what happened, I'm still crying wishing she'd take me back as her friend despite how fucked up and worthless I am…

I finished the 'goodbye' letter, as well as her birthday card and gift…and I went to her house rang the door bell and left all of it by her door, (I of course ran quickly back to the car before they answered the door)

My heart is still racing from doing that…I wonder what will happen…will she read my letter? or will she just throw it out the moment she finds out it's from me?

It also still haunts me that, that was probably the last time i'd ever be in her neighborhood, see her house, I've completely lost her as my friend.

But I deserve that though, Everything that has happened…I hope she has a good 16th birthday though…After everything I can't hate her, I never could…

I finally sent that letter though…so we'll see how things play out.

My sleep paralysis has been getting super bad lately but I haven't told anyone, I don't want to bug anyone with anymore of my medical crap.

Also, my anxiety is shooting up because tomorrow is my grandmother's birthday.

She always says something to effect me, and make me go into panic attacks. she has schizophrenia

So at times, she herself, nice and what not. then the other Mayna (we call her that, because when myself and brother was a baby we couldn't say 'Nana' we said 'Mayna' so it stuck) and she'll say something blunt or whatever, and when shes back to normal she won't remember saying a thing about it.

So, I'm so hesitate around her, I'm so broken down and my nervs are shot from having to guard myself from everyone- and thing- else. The fact I have to do this with family just adds to my anxiety, and stress. and I don't know what's she gonna say or what mood she's going to be in.

I can't trust her, and she causes me to be triggered to cut alot of the times to, Like today I cut myself 16times since Ali was turning 16…I'm unable to resist, I'm weak.

So, I'm anxious about tomorrow, I always hate going to that nursing home, despite it being a good one and it's christian place, I feel…awkward, and all those eyes staring at me, because to them i'm 'different'

whether the person is old or young, I'm strange to them. and also I hate whenever we have to pass the third floor because that's the hospital part of the place and that's where my grandfather died.

Anyway, that place just makes me VERY uncomfortable. So…I don't know how i'm going to do with being around so many family members and her and that place all at once, I had to take a handful of pills just to be able to type this,

and to cope with the Ali thing at the moment…I know people lose friends all the time, but I only have her, Kim and Maddie…I'm not sure about griffon or where he stands or if Maddie and Kim actually like me either, what if they all leave me like ali did?

Great now i'm just causing another panic attack…So i'm going to shut my stupid mouth, sorry for wasting your time…

I might draw tonight, not sure…it's not that good anyway…or atleast to me it's not…I feel so 'blegh' right now…

I hope everyone else in the tribe is doing alright…your in my thoughts and prayers.