I have to be honest. I’ve seen several psyciatrists, been hospitalized, have bounced from job to job, have been in relationship after relationship after relationship all because of my depression. Dr.’s never did dick for me (Never ever would I advise that you leave the care of a good, qualified psychiatrist that gets you results). All they ever did was recomend and offer to medicate; give me somthing else to be co-dependant on. It was like they wanted to figure out what was wrong with me by asking me what was wrong…… Fuck!, if I knew I wouldn’t be here, Dr, your supposed to tell me! It was like I was searching for pearls of wisdome from people that couldn’t give me any, and it wasn’t cheap!
Anywho, I now constantly look for pearls of wisdom. Somtimes I feel like “I don’t want to be a depressed person, I don’t want to be sad for no reason, I don’t want to cry over odd things (This year it was wreaths at a Coffee Bean, it freaked me out so bad that I didn’t leave my house for a week)”. A happy video, a sad video, a song, a person….. It’s so odd having a disorder that makes you feel so different from the normies. I say odd, and not somthing like “I hate being different”, because I don’t hate how I was born. As a matter of fact, I love being who I am. I have to admit, I didn’t used to, but, I do love who I’ve become. It hasn’t been an easy ride, with years of AA meetings, failed relationships, failed successes- From Poverty to an Airplane and Jaguar, a condo in Colorado………. And back to poverty. I’m happy it happened. If it didn’t, I wouldn’t have ended up in OC CA, where one day I ran out of coffee. I found enough change for a cup of coffee in my couch/carseat/floor of my bedroom, to get a cup of coffee. I got my sad ass in the car, and drove myself to the closest coffee bean and tea leaf, where I saw the greatest pearl of wisdom that I’ve seen/heard ever; when I read it the hair on the back of my neck stood up. It said on the outside of one of the coffee mugs-for-sale, “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself”. Holy shit!!! I was so excited about these 9 little one-cent words!!! Part of me felt stupid, “Like duh, thats easy”, but more so, I felt exanerated. All of a sudden, my life seemed to come back together…… Over a coffee mug. All my life I was told I need to find, find, find…. Find a Job, Find a solution to my depression, find a way to make my relationships work….. It was always about finding. I think even a dr. once told me to take a vacation and go find myself. When you already struggle with who you are, this is hard, and when you fail at finding yourself, which is inevitable, you become sad. You feel lonely. Your a failure. Thus, even though it’s been a year since I saw this mug, and yes, I have slipped into major depressions since…. I used my unbalenced time to create; write songs, record, blog. Heres the big kicker-
For the coffee, I paid 1.95 (large even). 2 sweet and lows, 1/4 inch of half and half.


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