I'm starting a new job on Thursday. I thought that it would make me feel better and feel happy, but right now and pretty much lately I just feel empty. Like I just want to curl up in a ball and shut myself off from the entire world. Just in a quiet room and sleep. Just sleep and not ever wake up. I don't know…

Today I woke up to my boyfriend's mom yelling at her mother (his grandma) because she was helping me with stuff. The thing is, I don't ask his grandma to do things for me, she does it on her own. His grandparents give us food; mainly fruits since his mom never buys and fruits or veggies. And whenever I'm dong laundry or something and I have to go do something else she finishes things for me. Lately she's been helping me with laundry. But ya…

Right now my boyfriend and I are in a bit of a fight. I've been in a pissy mood because even after I helped him get in the running for a couple of jobs he still wants to join the military and he says that "when I join the military I want you to break up with me because I don't want to have to worry about you while I'm gone, and I don't want to have to worry about doing something that will end the relationship." Then he followed it up with saying "When I finish my four years if you want to start things up again then I'll gladly start things up." It kind of makes me a bit upset because when we were talking about it and all he was saying how he wanted to be able to drink and not have to worry what would happen if he slept with a girl. And he kept saying "Whatever happens, happens." To me that kind of hurts me because he basically wants to end it so that he can go sleep with whoever he wants and then after the 4 years are up he wants to start back where we left off.

Honestly, I'm not going to wait for him if he goes into the military and does all of that. If he goes into the military and promises that he won't do all of that, then I'll probably wait for him, but I'm not going to wait for him to just go live the life he wishes and then come home to me and start back up while I waited at home. Also, we had a talk about his plans in life. He figures that he wants to "start settling down" when he's in his late 30s, early 40s. I told him that if he waits that long then everyone is either going to be married with kids or going through a divorce with kids or single with kids or going through a divorce. He doesn't beleive me…

I don't know if I'm wrong but in my eyes his wants and goals are unrealistic. He wants his dream girl (the type of girl he wants is impossible) and then for them to get married and settle down when they're in their late 30s or early 40s and maybe have a kid or two a few years after they're married. To me that seems a bit late to be starting a family when you're about 43. Then again, I could be wrong. People of all ages start families and have kids, so who knows.

But ya…basically after that long talk I felt a bit angry and insecure. I don't know if what I felt was justified but I felt it. And then he asked if I was upset, and if I was then why.

But anyways, during our conversation I told him that if he wanted to start things up again after the military then he was crazy because by that time I'll have moved on and probably be with someone. I know this pretty much for a fact because I still keep in contact with alot of friends I have in California and alot of my guy friends constantly tell me about either their feelings for me or feelings that other guys have for me. Example: When I left California I had 4 guys that I knew ask me to stay and they told me that they'd marry me and that they wanted to have kids with me and be with me forever. 2 of them already had rings picked out, one of them started crying and the other was just really sad. To be honest, right now I wish I would have taken one of them up on their offer.

I've always tried to live my life without regret, but it seems like the longer I'm here the more I regret it. Something I've never told anyone in my life has been really eating at me more and more lately.

When I was engaged to my ex I still kept in contact as much as possible with my ex before him. Me and him (Let's call him H) had dated for awhile…almost a year and then he broke it off to be closer to his child (he was 24 and had a 3 year old daughter, it's a REALLY long story). After 2 weeks he came back and told me that he was sorry and wanted me to take him back and that he was stupid to break up with me because "without you in my life it literally feels like I can't breathe." but I told him no and that he had his chance. Then I met my ex and got engaged, but me and H still stayed in contact and remained friends. Eventually the guy I was engaged to started to get abusive and obsessive and I had to cut contact with H. Then I hung out with H a few times ater that, walking around parks, going to dinner, friend stuff like that, all of the times ended with both of us in tears and him begging me to come back to him. Then eventually H called me and asked me to meet him somewhere…well…we ended up going back to mine and my fiance's apartment and…stuff happened and anyways, it ended with him asking if my fiance was making me happy and I told him it didn't matter, but that I wanted him to be happy. He said that the only way for that to happen was to be with me. He got down on his knees and begged me to leave everything behind and to go get married and we'd return after the marriage and I could get everything in order while he finished trying to get custody of his daughter. I told him that I couldn't just runaway and get married, I couldn't leave my job, family, apartment, everything. Even though everything inside of me wanted to. Basically long story short that was the last time I saw him. Then I thought alot about it all and kicked my fiance out the next day and broke it off. I called H and told him about it all, but it was too late. He had called his baby's mom that night and now he was going to get married to her so that he could see his daughter every day and he had already told all of his family about it.

It kind of sucks because right now typing all of this I'm crying SO hard. But ya…it kind of sucks, because when I asked him if he loved his daughter's mom and he just said that he loves his daughter and that as long as his daughter was happy then he was happy…I think it all wouldn't have hurt so much it I at least knew he was happy.

I feel alot of regret about how all of that played out. But ya…it feels kind of good to get it all out there. Right now I'm crying and it hurts alot, kind of like reopening a wound, but it still feels a bit better to get it all out there.


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