~~If one more friend tells me that they understand me, I’m going to SCREAM! I don’t need people to tell me that they understand me when they have never been through what I'm going through. I need people to simply tell me that they will be there…That is all! I need people to simply hug me. I need people to simply remind me that I’m loved. I need people to tell me they’d miss me if I were gone. I need people to check on me…Gosh, stop saying you understand! These people go home to their little families and have nothing but positive things to say. These people don’t cry themselves to sleep, and just wish every day that they would die…They don’t get me. The feel of a razor to my wrist feels good…”Just stop cutting,” they say. Yeah, okay! Why do I see a therapist weekly when my friends have all the answers???
I tried the whole “opening up” thing, and have decided to no longer do that. What am I opening up for? I need to go back to smiling when I’m hurting on the inside. I need to go back to saying, “I’m fine!” What’s the point in explaining how I really feel when no one can help me? I can fake the smile. I can make up lies. I can try harder to hide the tears. I’m tired of people trying to help by telling me what I “need” to do. They say they understand me so well, but that’s a lie. If they understood me, they’d treat me differently. I should educate them…I should let them know how bad things are…I should let them see me completely break down…For what??? It’s only a moment for them, but for me it’s my life. They hug me in that moment, and they tell me how strong I am in that moment. They go home, they move on. Me, I go home and the pain is still there.
What’s there to hold on to if no one cares anyway? I feel like they talk to me out of pity. I feel like I’m just a bother…me living is a bother. If I cut, who will know? No one. If I attempt to take my own life, who will know? No one. If I can’t calm myself down, who will know? No one. Gosh, I have felt awful since Thursday evening. I should have called my therapist several times, but I refuse to call her daily. It’s the same sad story…I’m DONE! She has a life too, and shouldn’t be bothered by me daily…I’m doing her a favor!
I was on the couch all day with the blinds closed yesterday. “Just go to the park,” they say. Every time I lifted my head off my pillow I cried. I attempted to push through the tears and clean my house, and found myself on the floor crying for hours…NO ONE GETS ME! If I could have gone to the park, I would have! I heard it was a nice day, oh well! That evening I even tried to shower to relax, but all I did was cry. I am pathetic!
I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m fighting for what? I am beyond hopeless. I guess I will return to suffering in silence…Depression wins!