So my parents divorced when I was one year old and my mom has full custody of me but I still got to see my dad on holidays and stuff because my mom was nice like that.. well when i was 14 dad stopped showing up. after a few months of me not undertanding what I did wrong mom explained how he had been abusive to her during their short marriage etc. ever since I was fourteen around my birthday I would search around online for people. I never really knew who I was  looking for surely not my abusive father who abandoned me in the first place. This year I found it, I started my ritual seven hour search through public records online typing in family names or details I could barely remember. I came across three names. My father, his first son, and my half brother.  This craving I had for five years finally started to fill up and be satisfied, all this time it wasn't my dad I was looking for. it was my half brother. I haven't seen or heard from him since I was eight years old.. and I can remember him much better than I can remember my dad. so I looked up his name and age in phone books and free people searches online, but I only found two numbers. Both came up as Anthonys that were unrelated. Except for one website. the usa-people-search one. it  listed not only my half brother, but my dad, and my mother as possible relatives. I was so close to finally finding him. and the one thing that stopped me short was a two dollar charge from the website. because of all our medical bills and now my car and back problem, mom says we cant afford anything "Extra" she doesnt know I found him yet, I tried bringing it up a few times but she'd just say "last time I saw him you were little and he was a teenage father. when I saw him my first thought was damn hes just like his dad"  so not only did I just lose any hope on finding my half brother I also lost my nephew or niece who I didnt even know existed! 🙁  Im going back to the dr tomorrow for my back to get the xray results, I already missed a lot of school because of this accident and Im not allowed to go back till I can function enough to stay sitting for more than thirty minutes. on a good note my best friend and I are no longer fighting and somehow my mom and I have managed to avoid fighting or yelling for about a week and a half now, its kinda weird. I keep having nightmares and anxiety attacks at night, which doesnt help my already way to tense muscles. my back shoulder neck ribs upper arms and chest are all injured from my accident, its a lot worse than we thought.. and my dr suggested getting lawyers involved 🙁 im scared and i dont like the sound of all this "possibility of life long damage" crap they even said they hope i wasn't planning on a career where a lot of standing and bending were required.. there goes my chances for med school and becoming a veterinarian.. i cant even do the dishes right now and i have to use styrofoam cups because glass is too heavy and puts too much strain on my muscles… is this ever going to end??

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