Since my last blog, I have been through the same, but different, roller coaster of emotions. My dad had a birthday Wednesday and I am going to begin working with a lady from our church starting Monday.
For my dad's birthday, I went with my parents to a Mexican restaurant and had my first chimichanga. I was able to put on a happy face for my dad, it was the least I could do for him. He and my mom have to put up with so much thanks to me: doctor visits, medications,mood swings and so much more. I suppose one thing that made me smile that night was when we were at the restaurant, a man from a group sitting near us said it was his birthday too. He was 81…instead of just having good thoughts for the guy, all I could think about weremy grandpas and wondering if my dad would be around that long. I felt like such a heel!!Why couldn't I just be happy for the guy and be glad my dad is still with me?? I tried to make a video for my dad, using Pink Floyd's song Time but I was unable to get the timing right…I can't recall if my dad appreciated the gesture or if he just tried to critique it…I guess I should give him the benefit of the doubt. He converted the whole song for me so I could perfect the video…I feel obligated to make it as good as possible.
I see my psychiatrist Monday. I dread the appointment for a fewreasons: the wait is usually a long one and I have to tell him I stopped the Zyprexa, can't afford the medications and still feel like s***. I have gained back all of the weight I had lost over the summer…I am angry and feeling worthless and ugly!!!
I wonder how this afternoon will go? My parents are going to my mother's work so my dad can try and fix some problems. I will be alone…I should be used to it andI should use the time wisely. When I finish this blog, I may go lay down…I am a little tired and I feel very low.
My brother is coming home in a few hours. He was unable to come home for my dad's birthday. I hope my brother can see my dad before he has to work. My brother is trying to get a job at a different pizza restaurant (one closer to his apartment). He may end up leaving Ellie, his dog, at his apartment more often than bringing her here. I am not sure how I will feel about that…Ellie is a handful sometimes but she does better here than at the apartment. She has more freedom and is on a schedule.
Time to get a few things done. I should get them done so when I lay down, I can do so without much guilt.