All my life I felt like I never fit in. I never fit in with anyone, it seemed. I barely fit into my crazy family either. I felt so alone. My mother was an alcoholic and eventually quit after Child family services had taken us a few times. Soon my mom was using abuse to cope with her problems. She started to beat us. Even my dad and the dogs. No one was safe when she was in her rage. I always stepped in when she would be beating one of my siblings or my dad. I would in turn get the beating instead. I didn’t mind. I couldn’t stand hearing them cry and scream. But no one once did that for me. They never helped me. I was always the peace keeper or the burden carrier. what ever you want to call it. I felt like I could carry the weight and burden of my family. I walked around with shame and kept to myself. Most of the time in school I was a loner. Coming home to beatings and forced to scrub and clean at 5am before school. when I was 16 I took boxing to defend myself. Sure enough I blocked all her punches and hit her. I laughed in her face and she left me alone. My teen years were troublesome till I found a man at age 20 and ended up being with him for 8 yrs. I met him partying and his cousin tried to stab me, he got up to protect me and lost his eye. The same left eye my father lost….at the same age, coincidence? I think not. I thought we were meant to be. I stuck through 8 years of beatings and abuse. I blamed myself for his eye and he did too. Soon I had enough and left for the city. We had 2 kids by then and I left with them in my truck. I drove to the women’s shelter. From there we had tried with family services to reconcile but only to fail. He wouldn’t commit to counselling together. So I decided to leave him. One night I went out for some drinks. I haven’t been out for years cause of being in a committed relationship. I lost control and ended up getting rapped. The police made it feel like it was my fault so I just dropped the case. I swept it under the rug and blamed myself. I felt so dirty and gross. How could I let this happen!! Then I ended up in a deep depression that lead to alcoholism and addictions. I almost lost my kids but I got the help I needed and was honest from the start. I went to treatment and go to meetings all the time. This healing and transformation has been so huge. I am a completely different person! I am so thankful for everything right down to my illness for opening my eyes and spirit.

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