I am alone… I am depressed. I have no one to lean on.
I have a husband and a 21 mo old child. A lot has been going on in my life, mostly medical. My child acts out and is like the energizer bunny, go go go non stop. 150% all day, everyday. No breaks. None.
My husband has had some stress of his own, he comess home, unloads on me, he can't handle our child and checks out. Just takes off. Gets mad at me for some reason and just either mentally checks out or just leaves. Leaves me to take care of our child 24/7.
I have no family, I'm a legal orphan, not an orphan orphan, but a child who was taken from their family and their parents were unfit to EVER take care of that child. My husbands family lives 13 hours away. I have no support, no relief, no breaks, nothing.
It, this feeling inside of me, has been building up inside of me for awhile now. This sense of uselessness, anger, sadness. This feeling that I NEED to be a blank slate, to be a shadow, to have no emotion, or that my emotions are unfounded because I NEED to be there to raise my child and to be there ALL the time for my husband. No time for me. My problems are nothing. Must discard my emotions to support my family. I have no feellings. Must NOT have feelings. But I do. I cry all the time, I shout and yell, not while my husband is around, and my poor kid has to see this and it breaks my heart. I can't stop. I bang my fists on my kitchen table to help me feel something. I put cartoons on for my kid so he is distracted from me and my issues.
I feel defeated… done…