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I am alone… I am depressed. I have no one to lean on.

I have a husband and a 21 mo old child. A lot has been going on in my life, mostly medical. My child acts out and is like the energizer bunny, go go go non stop. 150% all day, everyday. No breaks. None.

My husband has had some stress of his own, he comess home, unloads on me, he can't handle our child and checks out. Just takes off. Gets mad at me for some reason and just either mentally checks out or just leaves. Leaves me to take care of our child 24/7.

I have no family, I'm a legal orphan, not an orphan orphan, but a child who was taken from their family and their parents were unfit to EVER take care of that child. My husbands family lives 13 hours away. I have no support, no relief, no breaks, nothing.

It, this feeling inside of me, has been building up inside of me for awhile now. This sense of uselessness, anger, sadness. This feeling that I NEED to be a blank slate, to be a shadow, to have no emotion, or that my emotions are unfounded because I NEED to be there to raise my child and to be there ALL the time for my husband. No time for me. My problems are nothing. Must discard my emotions to support my family. I have no feellings. Must NOT have feelings. But I do. I cry all the time, I shout and yell, not while my husband is around, and my poor kid has to see this and it breaks my heart. I can't stop. I bang my fists on my kitchen table to help me feel something. I put cartoons on for my kid so he is distracted from me and my issues.

I feel defeated… done…

3 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 6 years ago

    It sounds very sad. You could start a correspondence with your inlaws or you could put the 21 month old in a harness or  stroller and begin walking at a brish pace.The 21 month old should be able to eat some solid food. Maybe you could stop at a food court to eat..Go to the playground, maybe meet other Moms with active youngster and exchange survival tips with them. You may be surprised as to the outcomes of such adventures.

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  2. ReneeJGB 6 years ago

    I do appriciate all of your comments.

    A few personal facts.

    I have reached out to my mother in law, even for verbal support. Though she is kind she has thrown in the phase, "It was a lot worse with five kids." saying that with my one, it's a cake walk and that's the extent of her support. Every few months or so they will make the several hour trek to see their grandson. They say they will help while they visit, but all they do is sit on their butts and watch Netflix.

    I have gone to several mom/child group activities. But my son is so active and so rambunctious and rude that I've been embarrassed and basically ran out. I know it's not his fault and it is what little exploring kids do. A little boy who steals a babies pacifier, who also tries to peek under the nursing blanket… yeah… not much appriciated there. So I've taken a break from those public functions until I can teach him proper manners.

    Here in Canada health services are free, and I have not yet looked into those. I will be doing that tomorrow and talking to my doctor when I go in for my appointment.

    Got an e-mail from my husband. Another stressful day. So stressful there is a part of me that he won't even come home, and if he does it will be in the front door and straight into the bedroom to shut himself away.

    …fun times.

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  3. prayingdove40 6 years ago

    Wow so sorry to hear this maybe you should talk to your husband and tell him how you feel and hire a baby sitter and get away for a while sure things will get better after you take a break

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