I am so fucking over it, all of it, every last part of this fucking life! I mean what's the fucking point anymore. I'm so done. I can't handle everything that life is throwing at me right now, The License, the depression & now shit just hit the fan with the boyfriend. Our ONLY way of transportation is his car & now his ex fucking took it, just because she is so god damn worried that I am going to drive the fucking car. The car is a god damn fucking stick, I don't even know how to drive the fucking car. Is she really that fucking jealous of me? I just fucking quit right now, because honestly, I just do not know what else to fucking do anymore.
He deserves better then me, because all I am doing is making his life worse right now, because if it wasn't for me, his parents would let him come home, he would have a car & his life would not be falling apart, all I am doing is making things worse for him & I hate myself for that. I never wanted to make things worse for him, but it seems like that is all I am doing. I should just walk away & make it easier for him, but I love him, & that isn't fair to him.
He loves his ex, he's in love with her, he told me tonight. & I can't blame him, I shouldn't be hurt by it. I love him, but he loves her, & that is life, and there is nothing that I can do to change it. I just think me not being around is better for him, its better for everyone, if I was just not part of the equation anymore.
Saturday Mom is going to take us to a buy here, pay here & hope we have enough money to get another vehicle, if not, I honestly don't know what we are going to do. I've a doctors appointment finally on Monday, but truth be told, I do not think that I am going to make it to Monday. I want to cut so bad right now, and then just sleep forever, but I can't because Chris gets mad. I shouldn't care, but I do, because I love him, and I realized tonight he will never be able to love me, and is probably only with me, because he can't be with her, and somehow I've to manage to be okay with that, because there is nothing I can do to change it. You can't make someone love you.