It's 3 a.m. and I'm slightly drunk, so forgive me if I misspell a few words here and there. I never used to drink. But this is 2 weekends in a row now that I've been drinking socially and a bit too much. My husband, (which is hilarious because he DOESN'T drink normally) is passed out in bed already. He's pretty amusing when he's had a few too many. His sense of humor gets huge and he tells jokes and laughs at himself and anything else that seems slightly amusing. I put him to bed about half and hour ago, because I'm much closer to sober than he is. Tonight was special because Zachary was well enough to go stay with his Grammy and Grandpa Jeff and allow us to have a night as adults for the first time in months. You know if you have a child that the parental role comes first and a lot of the time you stifle who you would normally be without that child there. I won't usually drink around my son; if I do it's because I'll only have 1 or 2 drinks and my husband is sober.

But anyway, I had a lot of Kahlua's and Milk and several buttery nipple shots. We were playing Scattegories when I decided it was time for me to stop drinking and go to bed for awhile. Everyone else stayed up (including my now snoring hubby) and played monopoly and Yahtzee until about 2 this morning. At 2:30 I got woken up by my husband trying to crawl into a single's bunk bed with me instead of the other bunk and realized this was not going to work. I had been asleep for several hours and most of the alcohol was out of my system so I opted to drive us the 4 miles home and I was fine to do it. Both of us would much rather sleep in our own home than someone else's…although if Aaron hadn't tried to crawl into the bottom bunk with me then I'd probably still be happily sleeping at their place.

On a different note; being mildly intoxicated does have it's draws and positives. I think about things outside of the box and came to some conclusions that I think are right on the nose about some of my behaviors. Specifically men in my past. It's kind of sad but I get it now; each man was the result of a major change in my life ~ starting college, starting new jobs…I realize now that when those things happen I become hypomanic and associate it with a specific male figure and how good I feel, and transfer that good feeling as if they were the cause of it. I had forgotten that hypomania caused raised libido and risky behavior. The last 2 cases of this nothing came of it because I refused to let it, but I was still tugging at the leash holding me back because in MY mind, they were the reason for my happiness. It's been a year since the last job change ~ and I'm glad to report that I haven't had any more episodes of that behavior in a year. And what's really weird is when I have these intense feelings for other me, it somehow doesn't have anything to do with my husband. It never crosses my mind that I can't have both and what it could do to my marriage. Like I said before though, lately I've caught on to what's happening before I let it really get carried away. But it doesn't change the extreme desire I have for that other person. I just try my best to get past it and spend as little time around them as possible. It's very painful because I'm fighting myself for control of my emotions when I've always RUN on emotion and my gut. But these times my heart/head aren't right and I see that it has everything to do with the situation and the big change I've made, and really not much to do with the "other man" at all.

To be honest my heart still hurts when I think about the last one; that one was the toughest test I've had yet that I've passed. I think in some way, I really do love him, but it's more of an idea that I love than the reality. Daydreaming's sweet, but it's only mere puffs of dreams that everything turns out perfect in, and we all know it's not a perfect world. There are always flaws, but in that state of mind you don't see them.

My therapist and I have talked about this a lot, although I don't confide in my husband about this. I haven't had a sexual relationship with someone else for 5-6 years now, and he knew about that one and the ones preceedig those. I feel like such a bad person, but then again I know it's also the illness and my own blindness that drives this madness.

I'm glad that I haven't destroyed my marriage. Years ago I thought that that was what I wanted, to be out of my marriage for good. But now that I'm able to see the behaviors that led me to that belief of what I wanted I realize it's definitely related to hypomanic episodes. I don't want to lose my husband, I love him so much. It's not worth it to give in to my wrong desires when I'm hypomanicOR depressed OR well.

Please don't judge me on this ~ this has been a very hard thing to deal with and talk about. You have to realize that while it's happening it truly feels like you're falling in love for real, that this person is EVERYTHING you've ever wanted, and all you'll ever desire. It doesn't mean I don't love my hubby, it means my brain is playing tricks on me during a hypomanic episode when everything feels great and like nothing can go wrong and you're sexuality is something you're very open about and obvious with. I think this particular thing is my dirtiest secret ~ the thing I hate the most about myself.

Has anyone else ever have a similar situation happen to them; where you're in a good long-term relationship but hypomania/mania increases your sexuality and attraction to other people? I would feel so much better knowing that someone else has gone through this too….


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