I saw K last night and I'm happy that we finally got to be together again for another night.. it was like pulling teeth to get him to come over though, he kept changing his mind back and forth, but finally he made it over and we got to watch a movie and spend time together in that way.. I still only want him and will always only want him, but fortunately I feel a LITTLE different towards him now.. like, he's not that perfect person I was making him out to be in my mind. He's great, don't get me wrong, but he's neither perfect looking nor acting (especially not acting) and he can be annoying etc… there's not much to him sometimes and getting past the surface is a lot of work. I guess that's a good thing that I realize K is not some perfect knight in shining armor that I kept dreaming of. He's just a person. He's not even a celebrity, just a regular guy and that is what I need to keep reminding myself when I go off on these fantasies.

I got up late since he stayed late… and I had VM on my phone. I NEVER EVER check my VM because I know it will be something BAD. So I just ignore it. But I'm very nervous getting VM the day after seeing K, what if it has something bad to do with him? I know for a fact that he only texts me, so what if it's some girl angry that I saw him, I know a lot of girls want him and are young so they get especially angry and jealous and mean.

I just won't check the VM. I won't cuz I never do and I can't start now. I just feel like I can never ever be at peace and I'm ALWAYS anxious and worried about something whether its K or my own issues or something else going wrong. I really need a break and to just be happy and at peace for a while. I don't know why I can't get that.

The bottom line is I have to realize that the inner issues I have are not all about K and he can't save me from myself. I need to find some kind of peace within myself. All these years I have been relying on HIM and how he acts towards me that makes or breaks me. But now I realize it's more about myself.


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