Its been a while since I was last on here, and even longer since my last blog. So this may be quite a lengthy rant. Not being the first time, this is about my friendships. In the last blog I talked about how I “lost” my bestfriend. Well turns out it wasn't that way. She came back from out of town and she came back a different person. Out of town, I thought we were close, and we treated each other accordingly. She doesn't care for me like I care for her and it hurts because for all that I could just love a wall. I can't express how much I care, and how much she means to me but now, I'm not so sure that I should. She's a little broken emotionally, and I don't just want to tell her how the progress of our friendship is not what it used to be or ever was for that fact, it probably would just make her feel like I wasn't who I turned out to be. Once she said that I mean something to her since she calls back, but I'm not sure how to process that. From my understanding, I am the only friend that cares about what she feels inside, her quote on quote bestfriend doesn't do half as much as I do for her and probably doesn't care as much. But who's to say, I can't tell what anyone else feels. I think that she makes me want to be a better person, makes me smile all the time, and kind of…fuzzy…on the inside i guess. But I apparently don't do that for her and its really hard to face that reality. I think its been about 3-4 months since I've realized that, but it doesn't push me away. I want to be there for her like I always have, but I hate feeling like its a one sided friendship. And to make matters worse, my two other friends, who technically are my bestfriends also, are rather jealous. They don't like the fact that I do things with and for her and they get mad if I don't cancel my plans with her for them. They try to put me down by saying I'm not invited to plans we made together or saying that I'm becoming gay. Real friends don't say that to each other. Besides, I can see where they're coming from, but there are limits as to how much I care for my bestfriend, gay is no where near how I feel. Its a friendship, not a potential relationship, neither of us are like that. I am really discouraged, and ready to start letting go, but I just don't know how. Another negative point is that she doesn't express her feelings, only in desperate “hair pulling” times, but not about anything else, ever. How am I supposed to deal with that, I've become this extremely emotional person and feelings are highly regarded. We had plans today, but I guess something happened so things have been moved to saturday. I think I'm going to cancel them, and fall back to previous plans. Then again, I'm not sure if distancing myself will solve how I feel. I'm starting to hate being so emotional, why do I care so much. I shared that quote with her that I dropped a tear in the ocean and when I find it I will stop loving her, and its true. Some things just don't fade, but you don't have to be friends to love someone. So after organizing my thoughts, I think I've decided to just start distancing and see how things start to pan out.

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