I feel so melancholy right now. I am at work right now and I can’t concentrate on my job, so I find the need to blog out my feelings because I just don’t know what to feel or what to do.
In my last blog I wrote about how I initially got married to escape the bond of my tyrranical father. I just remembered with my deteriorating memory another reason why I got married: I feared being alone if I didn’t marry or find someone to marry.
While married, I never felt that I was fulfilled or properly accompanied, henceforth, nothing changed much in my pursuit to feel not lonely, except the fact that I had a husband now and didn’t know what to do about my newly chosen life with a spouse in tow. My mother, sister, my friends and acquaintences will vouche for me that I was poorly accompanied in my quest to find a suitable partner to spend my life with. They will also tell you that I was still alone since all my husband cared for was money, money, and more money; oh yes, trashy friends as well who I thought belonged behind bars as I now consider to be the same destination for my husband. I married a guy literally from what could be considered a ghetto, but in the Middle East, not the states-Lebanon to be specific. Yes, I married a selfish, self serving Lebanese boy.
Now that my ill-fated marriage is coming to an untimely end, I find myself back where I started: a very lonely woman with very FEW friends and no companion/lover/partner to share my life with. I feel very alone and I don’t like that feeling. My greatest fear in life has and will always be a fear of being alone. I don’t want to make the same mistake I made 8 years ago when I poorly made a choice of a husband but I am afraid that I will spend eternity being alone if I don’t do something about it and that is something I will never be able to shake off…