Well, yesterday's Animation Club meeting left me depressed and crying and wanting to quit altogether. It's not like anything bad happened, it's just that so many feelings I had to live with every day when I was in school are resurfacing and I just don't want to have deal with them again.
A lot of new people have been joining. And as the group grows larger I just fade in to the background more and more. The group was playing some sort of Who's Line is it Anyway? sort of game, and at one point everyone was up and involved, and I just can't do things like that. Even the thought of trying is beyond me.
It's the feeling that no one would notice or care if I was gone that I hate the most. And when I'm trying so hard… I don't enjoy being there, no one would care if I wasn't, so why go at all?
But once I was feeling less upset I decided I can't just stop going. This is the only time I get out of my house and see people, and if I quit I'll be completely isolated again. The point to going is that it's the only place I have right now to work on getting over this phobia. So I'll just have to stick it out, at least till the end of the semester.
Next meeting…. I'm just going to take the Xanax. See what I can do.
I was coming up with all of these plans and goals, to get up at the head of the class and show videos, or introduce them to papercraft. Now they just seem so unlikely… I guess I'll just hope the Xanax will help me be able to do them. Even if it's just that one time maybe I'll be able to make some sort of connection with these people that will help me when I'm not using it.
I just wish I could get past the fear for a few minutes and summon up the drive to actually accomplish some of these goals I set.