I really can’t remember the last time I was able to walk down the streets without constant fear. Each time I go for a walk, it’s the same thing. My heart starts to beat after, and I start to sweat from my anxiety.
I wasn’t always this way, nor did I want to become this way, who does?
I know I might just seem like a whining 3 year old, but I am done with what social anxiety had done to me. I am about to turn 18, and I feel like my life is such a waste.
All the years, thrown away to the curb. Has it really been 5 years since I was in the sixth grade?
This post is going to be long and all over the place, I am sorry. I can’t think of another way to put all my thoughts into words, and all my memories are mixed together like paint on a canvas.
The earliest memory I have is from fourth grade. At this point, I only had two friends, and my sister. There was two classes for the fourth grade class, and I was separated from them. From that point, I should have known how the year was going to play out. Outside of my small group of friends, the rest of the class detested me with a purpose. It was only my friends and my sister who kept my head straight as they mocked me for being alive.
I sat alone that whole year, and I started talking to myself to try to cope with all that was going on. Everyone hated me. Without my sister, I was free game to mockery, fresh from the slaughter.
I specifically remember one time where my whole class ganged up on me to make me feel bad. They spoke loudly, making sure they whole grade could hear their voice as they said these words. “Where’s (my name)?” The class went quiet for a little bit before the rest of them responded at once. “In the garbage!”
I wanted to end it all there, a 10 year old who wanted to commit suicide without even knowing what that word meant. It wasn’t long after that event that I received death threats from other students, wishing that I was dead, and I didn’t even know what I had done wrong.
That very same year, I also developed something new that had never happened to me before. I started having massive outburst when I was frustrated with school work. I cried and cried until I choked from the lack of oxygen. Now that I look back on it, I probably was trying to find a way to filter all my frustration and hate I had to myself and the world.
I am going to end it here for now, thank you if you read this whole thing. It really took me a lot of courage to submit this on this website. I still don’t know the purpose of me suddenly wanting to write this, but it just felt right.