Well, my ride on the hypomanic train has suddenly come to an end. It always does after a few days of it. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.

I slept for 12 hours last night, I didn't wake up until 10:30 this morning. I didn't wake up once! I stopped taking the otc sleeping pills and it worked like a charm. Apparently if I take it, when it wears off I wake up suddenly. I'm going to try to go without them again tonight and see if the same thing happens. If that's the case, then no more sleeping pills!

I'm feeling pretty down but I refuse to let this cripple me today. I woke up and was having thoughts of death and thinking about the need to get rid of all my stuff so that when I'm gone my family won't have to deal with the pain of getting rid of it themselves. What the hell?! I have no idea where it came from! Since then I've been trying to stay busy so that I'm not listening to those kinds of thoughts. I wish I knew where they came from and how to keep them away.

It's been a quiet day so far. The boys watched Batman while I sat out here on the porch and listened to the wind chimes while I journaled. They help soothe me when I'm feeling edgy and not well. I need to go outside and get some sunlight too. I know that helps me a lot.

My husband just left to go help our friends move a fridge. So I'm car-less for awhile because Mom took my car to work today. Tomorrow I'm going to have to take her to work in the morning and then take Zachary to school late because they both have to be there by 8 a.m. and I'm not magical like that. Wish I was, lol.

Today is beautiful out. It would be a nice day to go to the beach. But since I don't have a car, I have no means to do it. That's okay though, I don't like taking Zachary to the beach by myself because I'm not a good swimmer like his Dad. If the unthinkable happened and he got pulled out by a wave or a rip tide I wouldn't be able to help. We'd both drown.

See? There's those thoughts of death again! They're so sneaky!

So what am I going to do the rest of the day? Probably take a nap on the couch while Zach plays in the living room and then continue cleaning the apartment. It's such a wreck that it disgusts me completely. Unfortunately there's just not enough room in a one bedroom/one bath apartment for all of our stuff. If all three of us had to live downstairs we could make it work, but really we're very lucky that upstairs Zach has his own room ( the downstairs of the house was converted into a mother-in-law suite, which is our room).

This house is SO much to try to keep up with. It's unbelievable how much work a 4 bedroom house can be, even though I'm only cleaning 3/4 of it most the time. Since I don't work I do the cleaning for the most part and all of our laundry except my Mom's. Then there's taking care of all the animals for the most part too. It's really almost a full-time job for me. I don't understand how that can be the case and I can be so bored and unmotivated.

I guess I'll stop complaining now. I have a good life even though my addled brain thinks otherwise. I just have to keep looking for the beauty in things and what I really have to be happy about. Oh, here comes my son to bug me to get off the computer so he can use it himself. Grrrrrr…

Well I think that's it from here. Ihope everyone has a good day regardless of how you may be feeling. Peace and love to all. (((HUGS)))

 

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 8 years ago

    Dear Keya,

    Even your down places are beginning to sound better. The winter can be a tough time, even where you live.

    Hugs Mary XX

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