My job is a joke and I take it way too seriously.  I don’t use my time wisely.  I constantly bitch and complain that I have no time for myself, I’m sooo tired, etc etc… but during my spare time I just sleep and mindlessly google shit.

 

I haven’t created art in about a year… or maybe 5 years if you want to get technical about it…….. I feel a strong lack of conviction and purpose and concentration in my soul.

 

I am 23 years old and I’m currently going through a "blame parents for everything I hate about myself" phase.. for "never paying attention to what I REALLY needed as a child…" and yes, my parents are only humans, and quite unperceptive to boot… but I have a hard time being in control, believing in my "control" / "existence" as this self, etc…

 

We just got back from a 4th of July weekend away upstate, which ended on a sour note due to troubles w/ the band…. those two must not depend on each other for anything aside from music/business…. maybe they shouldn’t even speak to each other unless working during strictly scheduled times… and after they’re done, they should each go their seperate ways personally.  But it’s extremely careless for them to quit at this point, as they’ve worked so fucking hard to get their business off the ground during the past year.  The reality is that everyone is just done being polite, which is fine with me.  Disrespect and getting dragged down are both recurring themes in my life.

I won’t lie… I just hate socializing… I hate pretending I’m fine and happy and sweet and not constantly thinking "what do I say to these people? how should I respond? Should I debate and disagree so they’ll think I’m interesting? Is it OK if I sit here? When is it OK to walk away from this group/person/conversation?" I always feel like I’m fucking 15…. I am my own worst embarassment to my own existence.

I’m lucky to have a job but my job is embarassing and self-depreciating… I may as well be a hooker… that is my self-respect level right now… I just lick balls all fucking day, every fucking day.

Yesterday’s evening couldn’t  have been worse.  And I’ve been experiencing the side effects all day and I feel the death’s desire in my soul.  I’m a dead girl and I love it.

My stomach has felt fucking awful lately.  I have been extremely anxious and joyless and fatigued.

For the past 20 hours or so, I’ve been thinking how I want so badly to fall in love… for a boost, even if it’s a fake little boost.  Just to help me carry on.  I’ve had no sex drive for the past month, and it’s a really wretched feeling.. I feel horrible for my boyfriend, and I really shouldn’t get offended every time he insults me for it when it’s just the truth.  I’m as sensitive as a 5 year-old.. and of course my parents are the scapegoat for that! It’s funny but it’s not!!

It’s so funny that I got a decent amount of sleep this weekend and yet I feel like fucking road kill right now… I think it’s because of my beer consumption… although I couldn’t even get drunk… it’s like my anxiety was saying "no, no, you’re not allowed to have any fun!!" and then when the guys had a huge fucking argument for everyone at the party to hear last night… I felt so alone and embarassed because this was my first time hanging out w/ these people and I felt very judged for it… or that could be totally all in my head… but usually people are more judgmental about random shit than I would assume… but I don’t really know.

I’ve just been feeling exceptionally miserable lately.  My boss is putting a lot of pressure on me and I feel basically useless at work and everyone knows how incompetent I am.  It’s really fucking humiliating because I have to see these people every day and everyone hates working with me.  Every decision I make is completely wrong.

In retrospect, I feel really sorry for my boyfriend.  He’s a really good person yet he is completely blind to his own delusions/shortcomings and people really judge him for it, and therefore judge me for it because I’m basically just his accessory.  It’s a really embarassing dynamic, actually.  I always just want to disappear.  But anyway, I really care about him.  And I always go back in time in my head to a happier time… before we had to always keep our guard up in front of others… but I think he’s a lot happier now than he was a 6 years ago… actually, I know he definitely is… and as for me, I’m just confused, as usual.  I feel incapable of improving myself or anything else… I feel so useless.  I really don’t enjoy anything.  I want him to know how sorry I am about everything.

About a month and a half ago I went to a show in bushwick and i felt like i fell in love with this dude… i don’t even remember his name but we talked a little and he seemed at least a little into me… he asked if i was going to the after-party, etc etc…. The point is, I couldn’t stop smiling for about a week… That entire week, my mantra was "I am more powerful than I think"… whatever whatever and I found joy and I truly believed that I was happy and it was the first ego-boost I’ve experienced in forever… I mean, I NEVER get hit on… NEVER EVER EVER… and I just felt so good about myself…. But I know it wasn’t really because I was fucked up when I was around this guy and so I was actually myself.. I was just happy because at that moment I was in touch with my inner child….

Anyway, that was over faster than it began…

It was this uplifting sensation in my heart that made me feel energized and horny and full of pleasure and dancing and smiling and giggling.

And when I really think about it… I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that in my entire life… the act of falling in love.. in lust.. it all starts out the same way.  I mean, I love my current guy forever, he’s the only real family I have, he’s the only person in the world who really knows me and I will always be grateful for him, despite his mental/verbal abuse toward me.  Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that my guy is very much the one who PURSUED me… he coaxed me into being his girlfriend… it wasn’t initially mutual.  I would honestly say that I always felt comfortable around him and trusted him…. and then we started getting touchy-feely and shit… but I think I only allowed that to happen because I knew that I was in total control, and NO, I didn’t ever want to be his girlfriend.  I loved hanging out with him alone but 90% of the time, people (including all my friends) felt alienated by him because of his abrasive personality…. and I burned lots of bridges w/ friends because of him.  And I’ve been a total insolationist ever since.  My existence had been essentially miserable and grey.

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