my stepdad is getting more controlling…he scares me due to a bad history with him..i'm afraid, he told my brother that if he did anything wrong it wouldn't be him [my stepdad] that would be the first to go but it would be my brother. My brother is 13 and he's threatening to kick him out of the house… he says if my brother tries to run away he will come after him and find him and he also says that my brother belongs to him until the punishment is over but it will be over when my stepdad says so…my mother does nothing. she's probably too scared to do anything because she's been manipulated by my stepdad and she won't leave him…why is she doing this? sometimes i hate her for this..for staying with him through what's it's done to my brother and me…i fear that my brother has so much anger inside him that he's going to snap. i fear that i'm going to snap. ever since i saw my boyfriend Sunday weird things have been happening with my body…i think it's possible i could be pregnant and that scares me…i've had SO many mood swings lately. i'll get extremely angry for no reason…i'm always tired…i get so depressed almost all of the time…i cry just because i feel like it…i cry because my boyfriend is stressed and i feel like he doesn't want me…my stepdad told me years ago that if I got pregnant he'd send me to live with my aunt and uncle…he doesn't have that authority does he? if my mom says no…but she probably won't really fight back because she doesn't argue with him…..i want to kill myself. but i'm afraid of taking the life that might be growing inside of me…. but at the same time i'm scared ot let that possible life go on because i don't know if I could take care of it and my home situation isn't a good one to raise a baby in…my boyfriend said his mom wouldn't let my stepdad send me back to washington but i'm so worried..i haven't done anything yet because i hasn't even been a week of feeling like this and i really doubt i'm pregnant..i think i'm just literally falling apart mentally and emotionally……i don't know what i'll do if i'm pregnant. i don't even know if i am. i'm depressed and sad a lot and my mother said when she was pregnant with my brother..after she had him she had to be put on antidepressants because the pregnancy caused her to become more depressed…ugh…i have a headache again so i'm going to go…i probably won't come on again today…or soon…i've lacked the energy to talk to anyone i'm sorry guys…i'm just going to see what happens…i'll let you know when there's something new or if i find something out…i have my first appointment with my therapist today at 2 pm so wish me luck with that…not sure how much censoring i can do but i do know i need to censor some of it so they don't hospitalize me…i feel kind of naseous…talk to you guys later…thanks for reading.

4 Comments
  1. sadviolinist 8 years ago

    Noir ~ (hugs honey) I'm so sorry that this is all happening at a time when you're family life is so scary. I hope too for your sake that you aren't pregnant, you're young and you have a lot of time for that later on. Talk to your therapist hon, be honest ~ by law she is not allowed to say anything unless there's physical or sexual abuse happening at that time; as for censoring about being suicidal maybe the best thing for you is to go and get some help now before it gets worse. I know that's a scary thought, but I've been there too ~ and it's worth it to save your own life and the life that may be inside of you too. When I was pregnant the only reason I didn't kill myself was because of my son ~ I couldn't bring myself to kill him too. He had no reason to pay for what I was going through, it wasn't his fault. 

    Noir, if things get really bad, call me or message me personally so that we can talk in private. Your stepdad sounds pretty messed up and scary, and it's no wonder why you feel like you're falling apart. I would be too. You're home life sounds a LOT like mine was. 

    Take care of yourself, don't allow those really bad thoughts in, and hang on tight. We're all here for you.

    Love and hugs my dear friend,

    Key

     

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  2. YaminoKaaten 8 years ago

    I know what it's like to feel like that.  Not saying I've gone through all that, but to go through all this and have to deal with a possibility, it's harsh.  I won't sugarcoat myself, but it's going to get rougher.  You just have to stand up straight through it all.

    That probalbly won't make you feel better, but I feel as though I can't control my life, either.  Here's to both of us getting through it.

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  3. ancientgeekcrone 8 years ago

    I think it may be time to call in protective services and have a social worker on the case.

    Your brother may be able to start the process through a guidence counselor in school.

    It sounds as though your mother hooked up with an abuser. She may need protection herself. 

    You at least are legally an adult and could bring protective services attention to your family.

    Be care and get advice from someone closer to the situation, who may be able to guide you through the beauracracy.

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  4. NoirChateau 8 years ago

    My therapist had to reschedule..Again. So my mom is trying to find another one while we wait for the next appointment. My boyfriend and I have been talking things out and trying to figure out what to do, He's been with me through this and that makes me happy…My father was not at all like him and I think that the possiblity that I MIGHT be pregnant is kind of bringing us closer together but I really hope I'm not pregnant because when I am a mother i want it to be when I'm older so I can be around my child more and the situation can be better for them. But if I do end up being pregnant I'm going to do EVERYTHING to make the situation safe and happy for my child.I was considering calling my uncle and my grandparents and getting them involved because they would probably be better at convincing my mom she isn't in a safe or loving situation than I ever have been. I've been trying for quite some time now and it's just not working or helping. Things aren't really getting better. I love my mom and brother and all I want is to take care of them and make sure they are safe. I hate my stepfather. My brother and mom don't deserve what he does. I'm going to make the situation safer for everyone since my mom is too afraid to and is not in a situation where she can, I'm going to do it for her because I love her and my brother dearly and I don't want them in this situation. I'd rather me be alone in the situation than have them go through this. Thank you guys for all the advice, it helps. And thank you for being here for me, you give me hope and good advice and it helps me a lot. Love you guys. <3 (hugs)

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