For the past two weeks, my schedule has been the same. Get woken up by my brother less than 10 minutes before I need to be in class, hover by the router for a signal so I can get in class, school, skip lunch to work, school, and then out by 2:30…. And then I do my homework. Homework, for most, maybe takes a few hours. I’m up ’til midnight most nights, cramming information into 6 different notebooks, flipping through textbook after textbook, just to finish one class’s homework, for the teacher decided that 2 projects weren’t enough.
Recently, my schedule is out of wack. I went from toned muscles to a chubby stomach only after a week of being back from vacation. Now, I sit on my butt all day, and write with an injured wrist. Eating is more of a chore, so I rarely do it, and if i’m lucky, i drink more than a cup of water/soda daily. I’m not healthy right now. But *shrug*
I just started a new school, and thought I had new friends, but after meeting with my teacher today, I discovered that, hey, I don’t have a group anymore. These people that invited me to their group for a project, which we worked on and finished, decided that I was more of a burden, and even though I contributed a great amount, I have to redo the whole project. By myself. Why? I didn’t have a cell phone. I do now. My teacher tried to adjust it, but still. That’s another few all nighters i have to pull just to fix it.
And the depression. I used to be medicated until earlier this year, and I finally remember why. I really wanted to die, and now I really want to die again. It’s a hassle to keep myself from SI, because I still have scars, and being home so often is just harder to hide it. My hygiene has gone to absolute shit. I went from sometimes 2 showers a day, to maybe one every 3 days. It’s better than when I used to only shower once a week, and then get really depressed, but not by much. My teacher was talking about how some kids felt isolated because they didn’t have sports this year, or couldnt see friends irl, and I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I don’t have friends. I haven’t played the sport I signed up for in 3 years.
I live in a awful house. I try my best to keep it clean, but it reeks of dog piss and the air is stale. The water either tastes, good, earthy, or too metallic to drink, like a liquid battery. It’s almost never yellow. I have brothers that eat all the food in the house, so that when I want to eat, there’s never anything good. We have a puppy. I love animals, but i cant stand this dog sometimes.
I’m in all college classes as a Junior, just in hopes to impress my parents. I don’t think it’s working. I don’t even think my dad wants to see me anymore, tbh. I’m exhausted, and knowing I’m not getting anywhere, I’m just starting to wonder what the point is to staying.
People keep telling me not to kill, or injure myself. But I need someone to encourage it, so I can finally have the courage to go through with it.