I am losing my [email protected]#$ing mind. I haven’t talked to my friend. And, now, I’m getting paranoid. Did I put too much on him, with this? Is he avoiding me, now? Could I blame him if he was?
"This song is a joke. Funny like a house going up in smoke."
We usually don’t talk this early, but today I’m going insane, and I was expecting him to text me at some point. I’m not annoyed or anything, just concerned that I might have messed up the one thing that was going right, at the moment. I am so manic, right now – I don’t know when I’ve been this bad. All the symptoms that I get are just screaming. I’m so keyed up, and my mind is racing a mile a minute, leap frogging from one thing t the next, and then back to all the wrong shit.
"Funny like a bomb between my teeth when we kiss. You pull out the pin wth your own sweet lips."
I wasn’t always a mess. I was one of the top two writers in my deparment. Loyola’s writing program isn’t the best, but it’s solid. The other writer who’d been given that compliment by some of the faculty was a guy I was involved with at the time. We couldn’t stand each other the whole semester, and at the end of the semester our prof. suggested we review our porfolios together, because no one else was on our level. We did so, and we wound up hooking up. I think we respected each other’s work, and that somehow led somewhere. Maybe, we were both trying to improve our skills through osmosis, or something. 🙂
"I’ve never been as lonely as when I was with you."
Things are unchanged with Charlie, and we still don’t talk about anything. But, I did tell him this morning that I was serious about doing this today. That I felt ready, and strong (the strong part was bullshit, but I figured I needed to be convincing). He was supposedly onboard. We’ll see. I bet he calls from work asking me to have shit ready for him when he gets home. Can you imagine? That’s like saying, "honey, I’m working too late to fuck up on my own, tonight, so, can you get started on that whole fucking up thing for me, before I get there? That way we can both fuck up when I get home."
"This song is a scream. Funny like our loving doused in gasoline…"
Being hypersexual (when you’re not getting laid) is the most frustrating thing in the world. Other than withdrawal… together… they’re like the ninth circle of hell.
"Funny like my fingers in your bicycle spokes."
For a while I thought Charlie was just punishing me. Then, someone pointed out that he could just be hanging on the way he is because he doesn’t want to be alone. It was my friend (who I referenced earlier) who said this, and he backed off quick when he realized how upset I was getting, but he was just being honest, and he may have been right. I told myself, for a while, that Charlie wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t keep me this close, if he knew it was over. It’s cruel, and he’s not cruel. But… people can rationalize anything. He may think he’s being kind in some way, by not letting go completely, right away. Or, maybe, he feels so bitter that he just doesn’t care if I get hurt by whatever he feels he needs to do.
I really hope I didn’t alienate my friend. I thought he would’ve gotten in touch by now, but maybe that was a miscommunication. I know I’m not thinking straight, right now. I probably shouldn’t even post this insanity. I’m such a mess. I dont know what to do with myself. I feel like hell.
"Funny like a bomb between my teeth when we kiss… you pull out the pin with your own sweet lips." – Mason Jennings, "Bullet"