It’s a beautiful Sunday morning in South Florida. A tropical storm just passed, brought some rain and made way for cool weather. As I’m sitting on my patio, I noticed how angry I’ve been since I stopped drinking. I asked myself “Why am I so angry?”. The obvious answer is that I’m angry because I can’t drink, but there are much deeper reasons that I cannot ignore. Because I sit with my emotions now, I understand the root cause. I can answer those questions instead of losing myself in a bottle of vodka and running away from myself. I no longer run from boredom, irritation, sadness or uncomfortable situations by drinking.

When I stopped drinking and took the path of personal, spiritual and emotional development, I immediately became angry because I noticed that not too many people care about their own personal development. All of the people I knew when I was drinking are no longer around. They didn’t care enough to stick by me through a very difficult break up and an even more difficult addiction. They went on with their lives as if I had never been in it. The reality that my so called friends were never really friends hit me hard. It still does and I am still very angry.

If you even mention the word “spirituality” around any of these people, most of them run and hide. They can’t find an exit fast enough. What does spirituality mean to them? Why are they so afraid of it? To me, it means digging deep down into the darkest parts of ourselves to form a new understanding and a new relationship. To shed a little light on our dark places. It means training our thoughts and becoming mindful so that we are compassionate toward ourselves and helpful to others. It means that we make a true effort to love and understand ourselves so that we can have a deeper, more compassionate relationship with the world around us. Most importantly, for me, it meant admitting that I had a drinking issue and an enormous ego that I needed to let go of. To me, spirituality never meant that I wanted to worship a God or blindly follow a leader or messenger. My spirituality has been learning to let go, live in the moment and understand that nothing is permanent. It is an ongoing journey of questioning my thoughts, emotions and actions.

Letting go of my anger from my last relationship has been difficult. I haven’t even begun to let go yet. She chose drinking over me and that makes me extremely angry and sad because she continues to drink and will not acknowledge that she chose that lifestyle over our relationship. Unfortunately, I also made many, many mistakes in that relationship as well. I really put her through a lot of shit. I have to remember that she isn’t in a place to realize what she’s doing yet. I have to be compassionate, but I’m not right now.

As always, moment by moment, I make my way toward a more peaceful, compassionate lifestyle. Lately, some of the heaviness has lifted and I am feeling much happier and lighter. For that I’m thankful, but I’m also thankful for the challenges I face. Each time a challenge arises, I try to meet it with enthusiasm. The more times I am able to find peace even in chaotic times, the more confidence I have that nothing in life can crush me. It all passes with time.