First off, I want to say I'm pleased so far with the response I've gotten on this site. Everyone seems really willing to listen and give the help they can, if not just relate their own experiences helping me to feel less alone in this uphill battle against myself.

So I'm not quite sure what the technical term is for what is wrong with me but ever since I was a kid I haven't been able to talk to people easily or at all in some cases. I think the most prevelent example is my dad. I only started living with him four or so years ago and I can barely say a few words to him every so often. That's pretty much how it goes when I meet knew people. I have gotten better as I've gotten older but its still obvious to people I'm not a big talker and it gets in the way of making friends or even people simply liking me. I've gotten a lot of shit for it over the years but I say if they don't want to take the time to let me warm up to them they aren't worth my time so that helps me a little. My biggest problem at the moment is not being able to go and do things alone. I never want to go to the store by myself or the doctors or anything unless its quick and easy and I can plan all my moves ahead of time. Me and the unknown don't go well together at all.

So today I've decided or convinced myself rather to go to the family planning clinic ALONE. I've already rehearsed everything I have to say and ask but I'm still very nervous and there's still a chance I could talk myself out of it. My best friend and I usually go together but I've been really pulling away from her lately and our schedules conflict so I'm hoping I can get myself over there and not chicken out. I'm 20 for christsake and  I still depend on people more than I like.

To add to my anxiety and paranoia, would be a friend of mine? I'm not really sure what to call him at this juncture but we were best friends for a couple years and he was the only one who ever really understood me. One day he dissappeared and I later found out he was arrested and in jail. So I tracked him down and started writing him letters and I realized that I really loved this guy and he made me feel happier than I have ever felt in my life and we started making a lot of plans together. Now I had never met him in person, I'd met him online through another friend and he had his fair share of problems like we all do here but he was rather unstable shall I say but that was one of the good things in a way because he knew how I felt. ANYWAY…in the past I'd had opportunities to meet him but I'd always backed down at the last minute because of my anxiety and knowng I'd hardly be able to say anything to him. This time felt different I felt like I would be able to do this and fnally live the life I'd always dreamed about…Well my depression started breaking through the viel and the weeks would fly by and my letters would take longer and longer to get to him till one day I got a letter from him saying he'd had to make some decisions for himself that don't include me because given my past I'm not very reliable. At first I was hurt, then I became angry and suddenly I was numb. No love, no happiness, no nothing and I wanted to write him and tell him what happened, along with how he deserved someone who had their shit together more than I do. He's very talented and will one day be famous I'm sure and the last thing he needs is me holding him back. So I just ceased communication with him and he was due to get out of jail on May 2nd. And what do you know he did…and its been driving me crazy, mostly because deep down inside I know I should be with him and secondly because I know how he is and to prove my point he sent me a disconcerting text after being unable to get a hold of me. He told me I should know better than to fuck with him and that I have his stuff. Which I do and I would be more than happy to give it back to him if only I could bring myself to tell him anything…Right now i'm relying on the fact that he cannot legally leave his city (so I hope) due to probation but I am constantly in fear that he'd show up here and I do not want to deal with that, I don't know how I would.

Aside from that all the while I was talking to him and even still I am with a guy I have been with more or less for almost four years. We have had a very rough relationship due to the fact I cheated on him with the ex girlfriend he had before dating me. I've broken him inside and for the longest time I'd just been in the relationship because he was the only person I was really that close to, he was my safety person, my comfort zone. Even if he can't trust me, which I suppose he really shouldn't ,  he still sticks with me and loves me at least to some degree. So I've decided to stay with him for however long I last on the earth. I view it as a penance of sorts which is a terrible way to think of it but I do feel I need him and want to be with him but  I can always feel that he is not the one but I believe I can make it work and I've really been a better girlfriend than I ever have been. Although this doesn't really make all our problems go away but I have some foolish hope that one day he can be happy with me again even after all I put him through but I owe it to him to give him all I can.

Ever since I started dating, I don't think I was ever secure. I've cheated on just about every guy/girl  I've been with, with the exception being my first love and that relationship ended terribly and broke me even more than I thought was possible. So I believe I've really destroyed my life, I lost so many friends because of what I did in highschool and now I can't even talk to the friends I do have. My depression effected my school work, so I basically I slacked off and ruined my chances at college. So I went to community college for awhile with my best friend but then I stopped because once again my depression seeped through. So now I've kind of resigned myself to working my part time job and waiting till my boyfriend can help me move out of here and then with that boost in my system I'll hopefully be able to go back to school but I really don't know.

So I guess I'll see how today goes when I'm on my own and hopefully I will be able to square away what's going on with my very irrate male friend…

1 Comment
  1. snowdreamer 13 years ago


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