I just wrote an entire saga about myself but I fucked up and didn’t save it so it’s lost…oh well.

So, I’m new to this.  I’ve never joined a blog before…always been skeptical.  But I guess it’s never too late to join the 21st century.  I guess I’m doing this because over the past few years, I’ve become a complete shut-in.  I’ve been depressed on and off for as long as I can remember, and I started having severe panic attacks when I was 18.  During my first semester at art school, I had to give an oral presentation, and well…the rest is history!! Around that same time, I had a huge falling out with my best friend since childhood…involving jealousy/miscommunication/lies… I won’t go into details, but the bottom line is that I allowed this incident to ruin my life.  I’m virtually incapable of making friends because I have so much trouble opening up to people and have a fear of people betraying me/judging me, etc.  I’ve made progress since then, I suppose… but I’m still a total fucking recluse.  And I guess I’m using this blog as a potential way to connect with people.

Pathetically on my behalf, I take Propanolol and Clonazepam for my anxiety on an as-needed basis.  I’m not proud because the side effects are kinda shitty– headaches,fatigue,dizziness,mental fog, lack of enthusiasm, etc. but it’s worth suppressing the risk of a panic attacks, which always lead to more depression.

Some superficial info about me:  I’m 22.  I live in Brooklyn with my boyfriend/life-partner (together for 5 years), who I love unconditionally.  Grew up in a small town in North Jersey.  I recently graduated from a 40k+ per-year art school that proved to be a complete waste of time and money because I was miserable there.  5 months after graduation, I’m still unemployed.  I have a VERY part-time job as an administrative assistant that’s barely related to what I should be doing, and my boss just cut my hours to 1 day per week, which was unreasonably evil.  I’m flat broke, and my rent is astronomical.  My boyfriend is a musician and his current project is doing quite well right now, but no paying gigs yet, so he has no money to contribute, which kind of leaves me stranded.  Although in all fairness, we moved into our current apartment under the pretense that I would have a full-time salary job by now, which I haven’t been able to land.  My field is really fucking competitive and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.  It’s been really difficult for me.  I thought this summer was going to be awesome, but I was very lonely because my boyfriend was always out-of-town to work with the band he was in at that time.  I didn’t expect to be so depressed.

Anyway, I’ve been super-depressed lately.  I cry a lot for no fucking reason.  I just find myself thinking and dwelling about my life in general… my shitty relationship with my parents, especially my father.  And for some reason, I’ve had like zero libido the past few weeks, which isn’t normal for me.  I don’t think I’ve ever gone so long without the desire to fuck…and it really worries me.  It could definitely be attributed to the change of season… it suddenly became Autumn and I really hate the cold.

I am most concerned for my boyfriend.  He’s very strong and full of fire and ambition.  I’m always supportive of what he’s doing, but I know that he deserves better.  We’ve been together for 5 years, and neither of us have ever fucked anyone else.  For the past year or so, he’s been expressing his desire to fuck other girls/ have a 3-way.  For his sake, I wish I wanted to have a 3-way.  But I’m too ashamed about my appearance (I’m short/skinny/petite and so pale and sick-looking because I don’t care about exercising) and my inexperience.  But I want him to experience all the happiness and pleasure in the world….I really do.  And I don’t blame him for flirting with other girls because I know it satisfies his ego, which is perfectly healthy, and I know that he’ll never leave me.  Hopefully, I’ll snap out of my lack-of-sex-drive soon.  I just feel especially ugly inside and out.

My whole life, I’ve never really belonged anywhere.  I don’t know where the fuck I came from and I guess I’m trying to find it.  I am not a generally happy person.  I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal, but I often think about dying..the act of death..being in a peaceful place.  In my heart, I characterize Death as ‘A beautiful place out in the country’ to quote Boards of Canada.  I just exist here, day after day, draining the world of its already-fragile resources.  I don’t fee like this 100% of the time.  I love music and movies and painting.  In fact, a lot of people call me a hippie… I guess I look that way… I have long long long hair and I wear the same shit everyday but what the fuck does that matter? It’s like I just don’t wish to be a part of the world… or this world, at least.  I just want to be amongst the things that I love in my own little world.  And my amazing boyfriend deserves so much better than that.

If anyone would like to give me feedback, I’d love to hear it.  Even if it’s just to yell at me about what a pathetic self-loathing piece of shit I am! 🙂

Peace & Love,

Mindseye <3