So, I've come to a point where I honestly don't care about losing people anymore. They leave because I'm so screwed up in the head I can't see straight. They can't handle the mess I am, and losing the people I chose to get close to, that hurts that most. Losing the one guy I ever really loved was like a dagger to my heart, and now he thinks he can just waltz back into my life like nothing happened? He doesn't realize it, but every time I see him I want to forgive him. So bad. And every time I don't run and throw my arms around him, I can barely hold myself back. And now, losing my best friend… I'm alone. I mean, sure, I could take him back, but what good would that do? Get my heart shattered yet again?
I'm not ready for that. I'm not even emotionally or mentally ready for dating again.
I'm just trying. So hard. You don't even know- and here I am, blogging out my feelings for people to read that I don't even know. I just don't know anymore. Would anybody even care if I killed myself? Hell, I don't think it'll work. The six other times I tried, I failed. Maybe the seventh time is the charm. I just want the blood to rush out of my body. Get dizzy. Light headed. I don't know. Maybe I'll lose so much blood they won't be able to fix me this time. God I hope so.
I just don't know why I try anymore. I have no reason left. My life is shit. I'm digging myself a deeper whole than I was in before my last psychiatric visit. And I don't think I can recover this time around.
Someone, anyone, help. Cause I can't even help myself.