I\’m upset. Truly. I have my baby, Taylor, whom I adore, but -the thing is- NEITHER of our families know. I want to go out to meet them in person BAD, but I CAN\’T. I can\’t because it\’s \”too far\”. I mean, I\’m almost 19! Shouldn\’t where I go and who I make friends with be MY choice? (For those of you who DON\’T know, I\’m in the foster system, because…I\’m SpEd. There. I SAID it.) I had no one to teach me how to live on my own, and so I\’m trying to learn super late and if I don\’t get my shit together, they\’ll (the foster system) KEEP me for the rest of my life! Stupid, ain\’t it? But…here I am, regardless…It shouldn\’t be this hard. Truth. Sooooooooooo, now I have this weight on my back to prove how \”adult\” I can be, but how CAN I be, when my role models weren\’t helpful at all?! She\’s important to me, though…And I know they care… (By the way, I\’m going back and forth on \”she\” and \”they\” when referring to Taylor due to the fact those are her pronouns. I\’m the same way, only it\’s \”he\” and \”they.\”) It\’s irritating, that\’s what it is. I love them. A LOT. Just trying to find that PERFECT middle ground, but kinda hard when you\’re consistently depressed (majority of the time), stressed, and are afraid of losing people you care about while ALSO being afraid of PEOPLE. And I keep telling myself \”Ashur, it\’s gonna be okay. Don\’t freak out.\” I just don\’t think my head and heart 100% agree, that\’s all. Additionally, I\’m an EVERYTHING virgin. Drugs, smoking, alcohol, sex…other things I may not be thinking of…I think too much. I KNOW that. They (as in other people) say it\’s gonna be the death of me one day. And I\’m also constantly anxious. Conscience: \”So, is being in a relationship a good thing for you right now?\” Me: \”Yes.\” Conscience: \”Why? Don\’t you see it\’s making it WORSE?\” Me: \”But, it\’s really NOT though. Really, this is one of the FEW things I have to look forward to right now.\” Conscience: \”You don\’t wanna be a miserable wreck the rest of your LIFE, do you?\” Me: \”No, but I don\’t wanna be happy 24/7, cuz that\’s creepy and -truly- NO ONE can be happy 24/7. Can\’t you just accept I\’m okay where I am?\” Conscience: \”Yea, we\’ll see about that.\” Me: \”Shuddup! No one ASKED you!\” This is pretty much what happens when my brain starts rollling. Trying hard. I\’m not giving up…but this is fucking ridiculous.

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