Hello again. As i write this it will be my birthday in 14 mins.. 33 years old i'll be at midnight, some achievement i suppose seeing as at 16 i tried to end it all so im almost  twice as old as i thought id ever become! Its now 12 mins to b'day time and am i happy and excited and optomistic and.. Oh you know, everything that society seems to believe we should be when approaching some momentus occasion such as this?? Nope.Yet again im not. Yet again im sitting on the eve of another birthday feeling sad, and lonely and a failure. Feeling that somehow my life is continuing on towards another year of me being along for the ride. I have very little control over my life, it mostly seems taken up with everything else, life is what happens when your not looking or so they say.  9.. wait.. 8 mins now. see.. how quickly it goes, and im sitting here watching. Waiting for something but i have no idea what. Love? i still don't think i deserve it so its not that. Happiness.. don't make me laugh. The only time recently ive felt even near to that is when i have been doing ever so slightly illegal things (drugs.. before you ask).. So what? a sense of purpose? Something to fill the ever growing vortex that is my disturbed mind? a goal in life? A reason for what i have been through and an explination for it all? the meaning of life?? I may as well ask for that because im as likely to get an answer to that as everything else!.. I dont know. And thats the sucker punch. 3 minutes. I have no idea. nothing, zip. nada. So i cry. and i work. and i make everyone else feel ok about themselves and listen to their problems and give them brilliant help and support and i eat and i drink and i survive. And thats all. I survive. Hey, Guess what? Happy birthday me. Another year of feeling like a viewer of my own so called life to look forward to. Yippee…


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