I’ve been feeling like absolute hell for a few days now but it is all worth it for these three simple words; ANTI-DEPRESSANT FREE!!!! That is right, day five of being free from medication. Let me just say that I thought going onto the anti-depressants was terrible well that is nothing compared to going off of them. On top of that I think going off of them (or this may just be coincidental) weakened my immune system so yay me, I managed to get a cold at roughly the same time. Last night I think I felt the worst I have in my entire existence as a human being. For starters I had this headache that goes beyond a migraine, I felt like my brain was being pulsated from my head and that my ears were so full of fluid I could walk straight. I spent two hours with my head in the toilet feeling like I was going to throw up, a sore throat and not to mention I need to exercise every day or else I go berserk so the lower half of me wasn’t feeling too happy about my watching TV for three straight days. Anyway, it is all worth it. I feel free and sick and miserable all at the same time. Another whoopee part of this whole dilemma is that I went off of them while my roommate (the one whom I’ve been having some issues with) was gone away for the weekend. She came back feeling awful too so on top of the normal amount we spend together, we’ve spent the past three days together in our rooms sick.
So, anyway, after watching another four movies today I’m starting to feel slightly better though still miserable if that makes any sense. A part of me says I should sign off because of my new “depression free-ness.” The thing is I don’t think anyone ever becomes completely free or it takes longer than I’m willing to give it. The thing is I still do feel sad, just not depression-sad. Yes, I have problems with my roommate, with re-adjusting back to my homeland and being desperately single however, depression or no depression drugs or no drugs all of these things would still suck and I’m tired of having my emotions effected by chemicals.
I’m still fighting some thoughts and who knows? Maybe I’ll be back on my medication in a few weeks. I’m just taking things one day at a time. I guess what I am struggling with is the fact that it is Valentine’s Day. Of all the days of the year, Valentine’s Day has to be my least favorite. I don’t care who you are, anyone who is single HATES Valentine’s Day, and if you don’t you’re lying to yourself as I think I have been over the past few years. You see in the past, I threw I Hate Valentine’s Day or Single People’s Awareness parties however this year many more of my friends are un-single-ified and therefore it makes the festivities a little bit harder. I have never celebrated a Valentine’s Day in love (or any other day of the year to be more specific) and it just is a stinging reminder every single stupid February 14th. There are bigger, much bigger fish to fry but before anyone posts a barbecuing comment let me just say I am not in the mood or state of health right now to deal with negativity unless you also have been 110% single your entire existence. If you have been this desperately not in love as long as I have and are somehow happy and have come to terms with yourself by all means please comment how in the world you did it. Thank you.
It doesn’t bother me, I think, until times like this when I feel like shit, when my head is in the toilet and the tissue box is empty and I haven’t eaten anything substantial in days when I want to cry and call my mom. However, this in turn makes me feel like a baby and I tell myself that this just won’t do and I have to face the world on my own. This is when all of the words alone, single, lonely, and desperate all show up in one big slap in the face. Alone, that’s how you’ve always dealt with things, that’s how it always will be.
So anyway, that's how things are going here, on the never ending roller coaster ride; up down, sideways upsidown, backwards and then striaght up again.