It’s raining like hell outside and it’s very nice. I’ve always loved the rain even when I was very little. There’s just something about the sound and the grayness of the sky, it feels like a big blanket. It’s inspired me to sit down and write. I hadn’t realized it’d been over a month. Time passes by so quickly. I’ve been busy now like I haven’t been in a really long time. Responsibilities are something I’ve gotten rusty at but I’ve noticed that I’m pretty good at fulfilling them as long as they’re for someone else.
I talked to my therapist about my low self esteem. I want to change that. In my fantasies I am not anything like I am in real life. That made up version of me is where I go for reprieve from the real version of me. But what if I could make that fake version into the real one? Of course, I’ll have to learn how to accept some stuff. There’s no amount of anything I can do to magically change me into a new person. Especially physically. But I can make tweaks here and there. Someone who cares for themselves is not out of reach for me.
The other night I dreamed that a genie gave me three wishes. I wished to know the secrets of the universe. To control my own physicality fully. And to be successful at any endeavor I wanted. I think those are some pretty good wishes. But in my waking hours I realize that I could just put in the work and make good headway into a life like that. I still won’t be able to shapeshift, which is a bummer, but there’s no reason why I couldn’t get fitter. Change up my style or my hair. I won’t be great at everything I try, but I can certainly work at any skill and improve at it. Maybe even get really good at a few.
Knowing the secrets of the universe is trickier but I don’t think it’s completely impossible. For the first time in my life I think I’m willing to search for God in different places. I think till now I did not understand the concept of studying the bible. In my mind there was only two ways to do it: Read it and gobble it all up and believe it in its entirety or search feverishly for plot holes in the reasoning and tear religion to shreds. I didn’t realize that I hadn’t given regular studying a chance. Just studying to gain knowledge and understanding. If a long the way I find something I don’t understand then I can ask a question about it.
Lastly I’ve been working on the friend situation. I am working on getting over my heart break and separating my heart and my mind. The person who broke my heart was no monster. But they’re no saint either. In fact, if it wasn’t for their average conventionally attractive looks then they would not get half the things they do. It sounds absolutely terrible to say but it is the very fact. I can’t genuinely think of a single thing they did that amazed me. I’m convinced that if I am able to develop some actually healthy friendships this one would look less and less appealing.
He loves me and I love him and it means nothing because neither one of us is particularly interesting and he doesn’t sweep me off my feet nor I him and there’s just no one else. It’s all a little nauseating and sad. Like me. But I’m getting grim again.
All I’m trying to say is. I think there are still things for me to do live through before I go. And maybe just maybe all of them are not bad things.
Maybe I can get a further education. Maybe I can find friends that really love me and show that they love me. Maybe I can love someone back right too. Learn what it means to care for someone else in a healthy way. Nurture myself. Nurture my understanding of God. Find something worthwhile yet. I know I said I was old as hell but … I’m not old. I’m just older than I used to be.