Finally went back.  Good timing, I've been feeling like total crap at least since I last wrote.  It doesn't get better.  But anyway, ugh they learned some things about me.  She was actually planning on having me committed because of what I wrote.  But I'm safe at home because I'm a little more than alone.  Besides, would putting me in that dreadful environment with those dreadful people really do any good with my state of mind?

But finally I've got new medication.  I'm supposed to drop the Wellbutrin while tapering off the Lexapro while adding on Effexor.  My Seroquel dose has gone up and I now must take it after dinner so I don't stay up late.

Problem is people just don't get it.  They all act like something is gonna cure me.  My mom says that we'll find the right combination if we keep trying.  As if I'm missing something. some chemical that will suddenly turn me human?  Yeah, right.  What an unfortunate sham.  I can take all the medication I want and it will never do a damned thing.  Better just to die and save money.

I'll now have to go back to the therapist (the same one which quit seeing me because I didn't talk).  Yeah… wonder how that will go.  They don't get what I am now.  It isn't a matter of the way I think or a certain anxiety.

I've also had to get a book, Mind Over Mood or something.  Whoo more pointless reading.  But I guess it will give me something to do when I'm sitting on a chair doing nothing all day.  I'm already dead.  Life is but meaningless drivel anyway.

Only good thing is I might get an appointment in PA after all.  Though it too will be more of a waste of $300+ than a lifesaving thing.

I've done all I can do on my own.  There's nothing left.

Now if it were easier to just make it all fade to black.


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