It's getting better. Slowly but surely. The madness, the boiling emotions over this other man, have all but vanished again. They have gone back into their quiet slumber in some dark corner of me somewhere, and I'm glad for it. I saw my therapist Tuesday night and we re-discussed all the reasons I had originally listed for why I needed to stay away from him in the first place (including being married). It got me back on level ground where I could think straight, and since then it's been a whole lot better.
Tuesday night I stopped by the Pet store to pick up rabbit treats and decided to buy a beautiful black moor goldfish that I've been admiring for weeks. I named him "Rajah" (like the tiger in Aladdin) because although he's black he is goldtone underneath. It's really beautiful. Sadly though I think I am going to have to take him back, he doesn't appear to be doing well. 🙁
Well, last night my husband came down with the stomach bug. I just wish this damned virus would go away! Zach's still fighting with nausea any time he eats, and I do too periodically. Ugh!
I haven't given my notice yet at work, but I didn't give them any hours of availability for the week either. So I'm not on the schedule, which is what I intended. In the meantime I'm job hunting and filling out applications for other places. I'm still trying to get all my reference letters so that I can get everything I need to be a substitute for Zach's school, and it's just a pain in the butt. The only reason I haven't given my notice is because myhusband is insisting thatI need to get another jobfirst before Iquit this one.
Tomorrow I am giving myselfa late birthday present; I'm going to see my hairdresser and get my hair cut. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but I haven't gone in almost a year. I'm nervous, but in a good way. She always does such an awesome job and I walk out feeling like a million dollars.
I have to admit that I'm kind of sad today. I've been gone 2 days and only a few people have stopped by to say hello or leave a comment on my blog. It makes me wonder if maybe I'm not as important in some peoples' lives as I feel they are in mine. But that's probably just me being paranoid and down. I know we all have lives outside of the internet and we make time to be here. But I also feel like maybe I'm being condemned for admitting what I said in my last blog. I hope not. Or maybe people are just getting sick of me blogging. So I'm taking a hiatus… I don't like feeling like this about being here. I'll journal instead for awhile and see if that helps me more. I guess I just need some time to get my priorities straight again.
Aaron and I have our first marital counseling session on Tuesday. Maybe I'll write then, when I have something interesting to say.
I apologize if I've offended any of you by admitting I feel like I'm being left out, but I always try to tell the truth and those of you that know me well understand that. I can't base how I feel about myself on other peoples' responses to my blogs or leaving comments on my page ~ and I see that I'm doing that way too much. I've become too dependent on this site and the people in it to make me feel like I'm an okay person, when who that needs to come from is really ME. So I'm going to spend some real time finding just who I am. I'll still stop in and say hi and check in with you guys ~ but just not nearly as often as I have been. I love you all, and I want the best for you. But I need to do the same thing for me, and right now this is not it. I hope you understand.
With love, respect and gratitude ~ Keya