So today is my dads birthday. When he gets home I've gotta work my ass off to make myself appear happy. Because even though I think the world of him and want him to have a great day..[He's gone to work but whatever], I just wake up feeling so depressed .I swear today after having an early night yesterday I just feel like throwing myself off a bridge because I feel so depressed. I just keep crying thinking what the hell am I doing to my life but I have no motivation to do anything about it cause I really don't want to be here. I went out yesterday as obviously sitting at a computer or lying in bed all day won't help. But when I went out I felt so unstable and stuff kept going around in my head over and over I just wanted to come home. I was physically drained when I got home when I didn't even do anything. I wish I could magically get amnesia and forget all the bad things in my life but obviously that's not going to happen. I just for weeks tried to force myself to be happy but now feel even worse. I'm so useless I can't even pretend to be happy and have to distract myself in a fake world in games or whatever way I can, just to prolong avoiding my own life. I'm such a let down to everyone either way. Also it really pisses me off how people can be assholes and ruin other peoples lives and yet be happy and have a laugh and go to work. I wish I could see whether karma actually existed and I wish I could see into the world and mind of these people and maybe I would feel a little bit better about myself.

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