I feel like every bout of depression/sadness is worse than the last. I am so tired of the lows. I have had ONE good day in 2014 and even then it seemed as soon as I recognized it, the feeling seemed to dissipate. Usually my days start out ok but today I feel like I'm already dealing with a low mood. I feel so lost, alone and weak. I don't feel like I belong at church. Who else deals with dark days 99% of the time? I dread seeing my psychiatrist Monday…I weaned myself off the Zyprexa but I felt it was a necessity, I was eating way too much and too often!! I can't seem to make him understand that. A new psychiatrist isn't really an option. None of them take insurance anymore (at least the ones around me). I can't afford–or really my parents–to pay out of pocket. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore (I used to think the medications would be part of the light but they seem to do more harm than good). I am beginning to feel like ending it all is my only option. I know they say "a permanent solution to a temporary problem" but 11 years of the roller coaster ride??? That can't be temporary. I've given my psychiatrist over a year to help me!! Every time I see him it's another $ 55 and little help or hope. My parents and I can't afford to start over…I've already had to cut back on therapy (so much good that has done). I'm tired of suffering, I'm tired of holding on for others. I sure as hell am not doing it for me. The only reason I have not ended my worthless life is because it would cause pain, problems or I am too scared to take the steps. The pain is obviousI think. The problems: I am needed to look after the pets during the day. And being too scared that thereMIGHT be a hell…oh wait am I not already there???
I would go to the hospital if I knew it wouldn't cost an arm and a leg…I feel I have reached that point, yet again. I would hope I could to the"other" hospital this time. I went to the "other" hospital after my grandma passed. I stayed six weeks but I felt understood and cared for by the other patients (and I cared for them). I feel so alone…I feel I can't ask for help (it would lead me going to the hospital and that would set off another chain of problems). I need something, as for what I don't know…I wish some of the members here could give me a hug and say they gave a damm…

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