"Who would be friends with me? I hate everyone and everyone seems stupid to me." -Randal Graves
I am constantly being let down by friends but that is only because the biggest disappointment in my life is myself and the standards I set for people are ridiculous and they don't even know they exist to begin with. If my "friends" knew what I was thinking about them half the time they wouldn't be my "friends". Of course I'm sure that can be said about a lot of people, just like everything else in life. I feel like I'm in this final tug of war with myself. I'm finally growing up enough to know that wallowing around in my self pitty bullshit and just expecting things to magically get better and feel happy, isn't really working for me. But I'm too lazy and unmotivated to do anything about it. I get all these awesome goals going and feel all responsible and hopeful and the next day I don't give a crap about anything all over again. Of course it would be way easier to give up then keep trying to make something out of nothing, even though that's probably just me being dramatic right? Because I have a lot more than most people have. I feel like half of what makes up me, my thoughts and beliefs is a bitter attempt at distancing myself from what I hate and I sometimes think maybe I hate these things out of some immature delusion I've created to make myself feel better which clearly isn't working. I'm so tired of myself and all my thoughts and all this bullshit. Life isn't some dramatic movie where everything is life or death and sadness and despair. Its just chemicals in the brain and emotions and illogical bullshit. I'm stuck at a shit job just trying to achieve the one goal I've had since high school. Not live with my parents. Is that a lot to ask or acomplish? No but of course I had to be a fucking dumbass for most my life and only wisened up after I'd fucked myself over. It's going to be four years next year since I graduated high school and what do I have to show for it? I guess its not all that bad. Look at the movie Clerks and Clerks 2. I guess they are some of my favorite movies because they are about thirty somethings who are content to be working with their friends at some shitty little store. I wish I could even be content doing that but there are always bitches in my life and I'm sure I could pull that whole high road shit everyone seems to think they're doing but they aren't. "Oh I don't care about them whatever" Blah blah blah bullshit. I guess I should feel better that everyone else is delusional as well but it doesn't. I hate being like everyone else because I hate everyone else. Maybe its that whole bullshit about hating someone because you see what you don't like about yourself in them. I just hate myself in general so that would explain why I generally hate everyone. This just sucks is all I'm saying. What's the point? Sure I want kids and all that fun shit but I really can't see that happening to me. Its a nice idea but my imagination won't even let me stretch that far. I went from wanting to be a doctor, to wanting to be a game programmer, to wanting to be nothing. I officially have no idea what I want to be and I'm willing to pick the easiest thing there is. I was almost considering being a psychologist but then someone mentioned the amount of schooling and I changed my mind. The one thing I actually did like about myself was the fact I thought I was smart. Even that is losing its magic because everyone is getting smarter than me gradually. Although I must admit even the people in college don't seem to have the edge I have. Maybe I'm just a bit wiser because of the mass quantities of fuck ups I have under the belt. Life experience can be very educational. I'm going to finish typing this and think its all stupid and be extremely tempted to delete all of it. I think I say "I wish" too much. Its a real bother you see, because all this wishing is getting me no where fast. I could be doing a lot more…well doing. But I'm not. I'm lazy and part of me really doesn't care and the part that does care gets silenced a lot more than it should. Sedated is more like it. I sedate the person within me dying to be free and actually have a life. I just feel so sad and I'm sure its some stupid hormone bullshit blah blah blah. I hate not being in control of these things. Hence drugs. I can control that and that controls how I feel, preferably little to nothing at all. I'm an attention whore too. You wouldn't think a shy person would be, but you'd be surprised. I love attention. I need to feel special and needed and wanted and I've given up on people because they have lives of their own and shouldn't be responsible for revolving around my gravitational pull. I need people, I use people. When I've lost the need for you or you've become a problem, I simply cut all ties and move on. It's funny how easy it is for me to do that all the while if someone tried leaving me of their own accord I would unravel at the seams. I'm sad, bitter, angry and I know what happens to people like that when they get older. It'd be awesome to just be some awesome happy outgoing person everyone loves to be around and be successful and have all the stuff I want and kids and be happy with Jesus till we die. But there is always somethign telling me that the probability of that happening is slim to none because this is real life kids. No happily ever afters, nothing goes the way you think it will. It's all just shit. Of course I'm just being negative and I should stop that and change my self talk and turn things around and get shit done and be a happier more successful person. I don't think I can do that, and I know everyone would say of course you can (I was going to insert my name here but I couldn't because I despise myself that much). I feel so empty and lost and I feel so stupid for feeling that way and some people would say oh you shouldn't feel stupid everyone feels like that from time to time. Blah blah blah. I need someone to talk to clearly. Last night I drove around talking to myself. My friends have other shit going on in their lives and I can't expect any of them to ever really be there and of course I'm not going to tell Jesus because I'm just being stupid and over dramatic. But right now it feels real and tomorrow I'll feel like shit because I have to go to work and I wasted my whole day off sitting in my room doing nothing useful or productive. I just want to get out of here. I've put everything on hold literally. I don't play my video games anymore I hardly read or do anything with all the stuff I have because I just want to be out of this house and I keep telling myself subconsciously, "once I'm out I'll do that or this or what hav eyou" Its like I'm in prison, my whole life ahead of me I just need to get out of here first. Life is all around me, passing me by and I'm no where closer than I was years ago. I hate myself because I've ruined my life. My delusional chance at happiness and a perfect like gone when it probably never would have existed in the first place. I should've died all those years ago because I know without a doubt Kali would've made more of this mess than I have. She had many less problems than I do and I'm sure she could've handled my death better than I handled hers, or haven't handled. I really never realized how difficult it was to talk about my problems until recently I mean sure I joke around a lot about shit that hurts me but that's different I guess. Some people ask about my mom and I play it off cool and funny or whatever but I don't even talk to her. I'd rather not. It makes me feel far too much and I'm uncomfortable with that. Lots of things make me uncomfortable and so I avoid them. Did I mention I hate myself. I wish I could feel normal but what is that anyways. I'm wishing for the unrealistic unattainable shit that doesn't exist in this world and its leaving me in an awful state of sadness. How do I get out of this hole and make something of myself without second guessing everything and falling back down? This world is just getting sadder and sadder and soon there won't be any Canadas to run off to because they will be just as bad as here. Maybe they already are. Maybe no where is safe and no where is good and free of evil corruption and unperfect lives. No where I can feel at home, no where friendships last and love thrives. I'm tired of everything, of feeling and trying and thinking and bullshitting and caring. None of it makes sense. We are just animals that evolved too much and now we have the abilities to destroy ourselves utterly without even leaving the computer. I'm out of control and its driving me crazy. Everyting is going to fall apart and break and I can't stop it. Everyone is going to move on and I can't stop them I can't control people I can't even control myself. I have no control. I'm lost. Mistake after mistake and lesson after lesson and I'm left knowing there's only one way out. Tragedy will always befall happiness and vice versa. Its a never ending cycle. Good things happen and then bad things and then good and then bad. My life is this bitter sweet fuck up dead end. I USED to be able to write, if even. I was a fucking teenager. Adults are supposed to tell you your talented at that age. I have nothing now. Sure I'm funny but what does that matter, have you seen all the fucking comedians there are today? The world is a joke and everyone has a punch line. There is little left in this world that gives me hope. So little I don't know how I convince myself to get up every morning. Only out of fear I suppose. Fear of what happens if I don't follow the other sheep off the cliff. Because what sheep wants to be left alone? I'm alone enough as it is. I"m either alone or around people I'd rather be without. The one person who keeps me all glued together is suffering in his own ways with life. Seeing as it is unfair, life that is, it is understandable. At least he loves me. If only it would last if only it was enough. Sonny and Cher could say that all they wanted because they were rich musicians. It really isn't enough. Sure it makes you feel good but love doesn't make the world go round. That's science. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to wake up. I'm sad. I'm stupid. The sad thing is I could see ending it all soon. It sucks that I'd hurt people but is it worth hurting over all the time? Only for hours of being okay and then being alone all over again. Feeling everything. I'm only 21 and I'm just about ready to throw in the fucking towel. You can have it all, my pile of dirt.
I'm only posting this for attention even though here I never get it, This is why I hate whiney attention whores. Because I am one. I hate it but I just want to feel better even though I doubt it will happen. See the self pitty there again? I just can't find the off switch. It's as if I'm the only person in the world or something fuck.