I dont know where i belong to, i dont know where my place is. I want to be better and happy in my life but so confused about the path i need to choose. I know what i need to do for my depression, i cant control it but i know that after a fewbad days a better one will come. I know that i will haveto deal with this my whole life. But it makes it more difficult when you can figure out where to go, i mean carreer like. Ive been jumping from one thing to another and still i feel i dont belong. I dont know if it is my depression or that it is just not for me. Ive been trying this for 3 months and so far it doesnt go well with school. Lots of stress, crying, hard work and no good grades.
I would like to believe that it will get better in time, but depression and insecurity is something that wont go away easily it takes time and lots of effort to do so. So is this course. I would rather be a writer or do bachelor of philosophy/ literature, but i cant go to uni unless i have been to college. This is a very very interesting course, i really like the biology part but i cant seem to do th things right, i feel lost and insecure most ofthe time and sometimes anxiety gets over and i dont go to class because of fear. I cant seem to make the grades and go to that specific edge i need to be to make certain things. I dont have the feeling of productiveness and i even feel dumb sometimes because im older than most and yet dont know as much as them in this field. I know i can be too hard on myself sometimes but that is the truth in this case. I can work hard to make this, somewhere i know that i might be able to make it with the way im planning and pushing through. But because im already in the war of depression and anxiety i think the war with school is more heavy. Its like everything becomes a battle and after each one you loose a bit of strenght and have to recharge, it slows you down. While being behind you can see all the people that are in front of you making it and it sure hurts not be able to go there to.
Last night i went to an anxiety class my teacher is giving, it makes you think about alot of thinks. I think i might make an appointment with him to talk about whats best for me to do. I want to finish a college degree but im not sure what i want to or need to do about schoolright now. I see most of the people who have been inhigh school with me getting through with their lifes. Finished school, married, kids or just enjoying their life and then i see me in the dark corner, insecure about her path and decisions, alone, birthday with no friends. Only thing i have right now that im happy and blessed with is that through my depression some family members saw how im struggling and are trying to get closer. They were here for my birthday to, first time in 3 years that i didnt spend my birthday alone in my room crying. I did cry this year but later when i got home and saw some people there and some people onhere send me happy birthday wishes too, i did laugh after all my crying. I guess that is way better than nothing and i really apreciate it. Still im so unhappy about my life, the not knowing what to do about my carreer, debts, no job, no social life, no friends, no love. I dont know how to get there with my depression.