So this is my 2nd blog tonight. It's 2:30 in the morning, and for the past 2 hours my husband and I have been doing laundry and there's still more… my son is sick with something. It's like he's a magnet for stomach bugs. I'm pretty sure he's done being sick for the night, or I at least hope so. Poor guy woke up to throwing up the first time ~ no warning. This happened once last night too, but ruled it as beingoverfull or acid reflux. Guess not.

If I'm up for any amount of time at night after I've been to sleep that's it; I'm up for awhile. Thus the second blog. I really need to get some sleep because I'm going to take him to the doctor tomorrow, but I can't yet. It stinks. I feel really bad for my son. It's no fun having a stomach bug.

I guess our plans to go to the special park may be out for the day. Depending on when we see his doctor and how he's feeling is going to decide a lot. I'd rather he have a quiet day at home watching movies lying on the couch or playing the Wii. But he might pitch a fit because I promised to take him tomorrow. We were supposed to go today but my husband didn't feel up to it and we needed to go to Wal-Mart when he got home. Like I said, instead Zach and I played soccer with a big ball for awhile in the yard instead.

I could use a down day myself. All this running around is really getting to me. I'm worn out. And I think after this load of laundry is done I'm going to throw the next load in the washer and try to go back to sleep.

I'm feeling very in tune with myself tonight. I don't know how to explain what I mean. I guess I mean that I don't feel like the depression is crowding the real me out right now. I feel like I'm open and I can talk about things I normally can't or wouldn't. Like the fact that right now I KNOW that my highest calling is being a Mom. I was meant for this, and even though I suffered horribly to have him it was worth it. I know that I will never bear another child, but right now I know that that's okay. One beautiful, smart, witty and loving one is enough. I have truly been blessed with him. (He still makes me crazy though, lol.)

Or I could talk about the fact that I realize that I do want to play violin still, but that I'm afraid I'll never reach what I used to be because I can't practice 7 hours a day ~ I don't have the strength, time, patience and the ability to focus that long. And knowing that I probably can't regain what I was after I graduated college makes the depressed side of me ask "why bother if you're not going to be as good?". Dumb reason not to play, but it's what's holding me back as a musician.

I'm also able tonight to look at myself in the mirror and accept that yep, I'm overweight and need to do something about it, but I'm also still me and I need to continue on the path of learning to love who I am regardless of physical "flaws". If I don't love me, then who else truly can? Only when I reach that place of absolute acceptance of myself will I be able to openly share who I am with others. Even Aaron. It saddens me that I'm 32, almost 33, and I'm still trying to learn to accept myself the way I am. But I'm getting there.

It's funny, on a full moon when it's cold and there are no clouds it seems mystical outside. Luna has her own powers and allures. No wonder why people always comment on "weird" behavior happening from people because of a full moon. It's a lovers' light, that's for certain. But it's also a light of beauty of self streaming down too. If I weren't so cold outside and needed nearby as well I would go dance barefoot in a dress out in that silvery light, dancing and twirling for the moon and my own happiness in being a woman. I know it sounds nuts, but it's the truth. I wouldn't wear any shoes so that I could feel the cold grass under my feet, and my white dress that twirls so beautifully when I spin. I would dance for the sheer joy in it, and in myself. Although I fight with depression almost every moment, there is this wonderfully happywoman inside deep down calling to be let out. I onlywish Iknew how tolet her out ofher cage.

I wish each of you the beauty that I have touched on tonight at this late hour and in very strange circumstances. Be well and love each other ~ we are all we have. 🙂

1 Comment
  1. momhurts 10 years ago

    What a beautiful blog. 

    I'm sorry for your son, I have a daughter who is currently fighting a viral war, as well.  It's no fun.

    I don't think you need to be a perfect player of music.  I think music, for music's sake is some sort of food for the soul.  I think to worry less about perfection and let the music feed you is the important part.

    Those cage keys are so elusive, aren't they?  And each bout of bad times holds its own separate key.  I'm glad you can hear your happy woman calling, never stop listening, maybe she knows where the cage key is….

    0 kudos

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