Today was a tough day. this is my first week being gay. over the weekend I tried something new and low and behold, I’m gay now. I was looking at some really hot guys today and I started to think to my self “I would never have done this last month” and it kind of hit me. later I went home from school and felt kinda down. I felt like nobody was ever going to understand what it really felt like. I cried myself to sleep yesterday because I felt like I was going to be hated by everyone if I ever came out of the closet. I put on my snapchat that I was having a rough time and multiple people responded. most people said whats wrong and I responded with school stuff. the person who actually made me feel better is my new friend. he told me that he is always here to listen to me. I’m glad he said that because it shows he actually cares. it makes thing worse when people say that they can try and understand. nobody can really understand what it feels like to realize that you are gay unless they have actually gone through it. I am scared to actually tell anyone. this weekend I am going to try and tell my friend at his house. I know he won’t think it is a big deal because he already has a friend that is bi. I just need someone to talk to about it and I feel like he could really help me. I don’t know how to tell my family (or even if I should). My brother was making jokes with his friends about a few gay people at our school (not bad ones but still jokes). I was just listening thinking that I can never tell him. but what if I ever want to have a relationship with a guy. then I would have to tell him. I’m not exactly sure what my parents would say. one time we were getting ice-cream and our waitress was gay. he had the stereotypical voice and outfit on. in the car my mom said omg why do people do that. I asked what is wrong with gay people and she said that people are only gay because they want to look cool in front of their friends. I’m scared if I tell my parents then they will think it is just a phase and they might try and change me. my biggest fear is that people think of me differently. not that they would treat me bad, but if they patronized me or something. I just want to be treated normally. something I really want is to have a friend who is going through the same thing. I don’t want it just for me but I want to help them too. this is a living hell because you think people will judge you and you are not normal. being gay for me has been hard but there is one thing helping me get through it. that is music. I have been listening to very emotional songs that help me be strong. they are very inspiring and help me through my day. I’m going to bed now and honestly I’m probably just going to listen to music, think about life, and probably cry again. 👌🏽