One of the most important lessons you learn when you forgive those who have hurt you is that, just because you've forgiven someone for hurting you, itdoesn't mean the hurt goes away.
Forgiveness means that you're not going to hem and haw over whose fault the hurt is. But – and this is a big but – forgiveness doesn't mean you won't still hurt. And it doesn't mean you cannot acknowledge the hurt. In fact, denying the hurt only leads tomore problemswhile you are healing.
So… I still hurt.
The last couple of weeks, in particular, have been tough.
I'm subbing for someone whois on a short-termmedical leave and it's reminding me that: a) I really hate the peaks and valleys of the department I'm in now (would rather haveconstant work than gofor weeks without any); and,b) I miss being relied on.
Knowing that my presence- my unique self – is actually needed by someone is exactly what makes all the difference when I'm dragging your butt out of bed in the morning.
I miss them. I'm not sure I'd trust either of them as far as I could spit (which isn't very far), but I still miss them. Doesn't make sense, does it? I miss being relied on to do more than click a few buttons and stuff a few envelopes.
Oh sure, I have good days. I laugh and live and I've moved on and accepted that whatever it is that makes me not good enough for either S or A will probably never be changed enough to suit either of them.And, most days, I don't care that I'mnot good enough for S or A.
But, I'm not happy here. It's not an "episode." It's not a whim. It's not a phase. I. Am. Not. Happy. Here. Period. I need the paycheck to help support my family so I'm not going to (willingly) go anywhere without another one lined up. But in the meantime, I'm not happy. Not happy enough to be perky and peppy all day every day. Not happy enough to smileno matter whatis going on in my head. And certainly not happy enough to bounce in here every morning as if I'm bouncingonto a playground.
This place isn't my home and it isn't a playground.