Who am I? For the longest time I’ve been trying to become a calm, collected individual. I wanted to become someone that didn’t care. Emotions only bring about tension, and no one wants tension. No one needs to know about how I feel. No one cared about me then, why should they start to care now?
I was always told that I was too sensitive. I was always told that crying, letting emotions out, or telling people how I felt was the pathetic route. They were right. Whenever I spoke to people, I would come to them for help. And in the end, they would toss me aside, as if they didn’t really care in the first place. And it happens all of the time.
People say they are there for me, but I know they aren’t. Why should people care about my problems if they have problems of their own? Or because they are enjoying life? I don’t want to ruin the party for them with my petty sadness. What difference does my sadness make against theirs? Earlier tonight, I was in a friend’s dorm. I was about to leave and I could hear laughter in the nearby room. My friends are behind that door. Why are they enjoying life when I clearly can’t? Must I be behind closed doors? Do I deserve to go in? Why can’t I find the motivation to go through?
I’m scared for myself. I just worry about my mental health every day. Help is an hopeless goal for me to look up to. I just gotta live like everyone else…. cast myself as the most sane one. No one wants a broken person to be around.
Just today I had a mental breakdown after one of my classes today. I sat in my bed and wanted to sleep and just not wake up. I hate what I have to go through every day. I hate being alone in the world. I hate how everyone else gets to enjoy life while I have to be like this. I hate how people have shoulders to lean on while I only have my bed and a pillow to grip. I want help. I want someone to finally understand who I am, because not even I can find out who I am anymore. My body may be normal on the outside, but my soul is fragmented into pieces that cannot find their way back together.