A counselor once told me that doing is less important than being. What you do doesn’t define you, it’s who you are. And that I don’t have to do anything particularly special to be valuable. I am intrinsically valuable just as I am. These words are helpful for me today, because I literally have nothing to do today, and am feeling pretty down about it. I mean I have my basic chores, like doing the dishes and making the bed. But that’s it. I’m feeling lonely, too, I am searching for the presence of God but I can’t find Him. I know He is there, but I am having a hard time connecting. I am trying to remember that it’s ok to just be, and not do.
I will probably take a walk today, and enjoy the beauty of nature. If I could, that is. The stupid sun is out, I much prefer cloudy days, because the sun doesn’t look normal to my eyes anymore. I think I’ve written about this already. The trees look ugly too. But I want to go to the park and see the water. I am lucky to live near the Marina. I usually see squirrels when I am there too, and that cheers me up. Right now I’m warming up patchouli oil in the oil warmer. It’s such a comforting scent. If I were still a witch, I would say that patchouli oil is good for balancing the root chakra. But yesterday I decided to commit to Christianity. That means eschewing all my witchiness. Ironic, because I just wrote a blog about my witchiness a few days ago. How things change. There was just something in me that felt wrong about it, and I realized that what I really need is Jesus. I still am having a hard time finding Him, but I have faith that I will. There are no chakras, there is no magick. There is only Jesus.
I prayed with an online prayer tool last night, one that I used to use many years ago and had forgotten about. It’s called Sacred Space. I also added my prayer request to their chapel of intentions. There are three groups of nuns who pray over these prayer requests daily. I was supposed to be a nun. Does that surprise you? God had called me to be a nun, and I refused Him. I can trace all my mental health issues to that one refusal. I don’t think that God is necessarily punishing me, but it is a natural consequence of deviating from God’s will. It is too late for me to be a nun now. My mental health wouldn’t allow it, and I’m also too old to enter most convents. A few allow novices up to the age of 45, but not too many. And I am happily married, with a child. My daughter does not live with us, we placed her for adoption at birth. But I still technically am a mother.
I don’t know what to write about now, I just know I want to keep writing. My mind feels blank. I used to be able to write at length on all sorts of topics. I’m focused right now on just being, not worrying about doing. I just did the dishes. Doing the dishes is my favorite chore, because I love the feeling of the hot water on my hands, and the lovely smell of my lavender dish soap. I think I will take a shower today. I bought some bergamot oil that I like to use in the shower. I put it on my skin like I would any soap. The scent seems to last when I do it that way. It’s very calming. I also have an arnica hair rinse that I use, which is supposed to help with hair growth. Arnica flowers are toxic if ingested, but they are good for topical use. There is a therapist who emailed me back, I will call him today. I really don’t want to call him, I do better in writing than speaking. I hope I will get his voicemail, I don’t want to talk with him over the phone. It gives me anxiety. I will call him when I get back from my walk.
I’m listening to the jazz station right now, but they keep playing songs with lyrics this morning. I prefer jazz without lyrics. I don’t want to have to think about the meaning of the words when I listen to music, I just want to hear the music itself. I have turned on my Pandora Radio, to the classical guitar station. I find classical guitar to be very calming. I want to go for a walk to the Marina Park now, but I’m feeling scared. I can’t explain what is happening to me, I just feel like I’m disappearing. This has been happening to me for weeks now, and it’s really frightening. It gets worse every day. So part of me doesn’t want to go out for a walk, as I feel safer in here. If it were a cloudy day, I wouldn’t hesitate. I guess I will wear my hat and sunglasses to protect myself from the stupid bright sun. I swear it doesn’t look normal out there. The sun is far too bright, and it leaves everything in dark shadows. The dark shadows are frightening to me, and it makes me want to hide in bed.
Wish me luck that I will be able to go out for a walk. Maybe I will just go around the block instead of going all the way to the park. That sounds much more manageable. Going around the block takes me half an hour, whilst a trip to the park and back takes an hour. I will go now. Peace to everyone who reads this rambling about being.